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If Santa was real and answered his letters...
  • Dear Santa,
    I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben good boy all yeer.
    YeR FReND,

    Dear Billy,
    Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
  • Dear Santa,
    I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
    Love, Sarah

    Dear Sarah,
    You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
  • Dear Santa,
    I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I
    really really want a fire truck this year!
    Love, Joey

    Dear Joey,
    Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
  • Dear Santa,
    I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
    Love, Teddy

    Dear Teddy,
    What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
  • Dear Santa,
    I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.Love, Michelle

    Dear Michelle,
    It blows my mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed like Chutes and Ladders."
  • Dear Santa,
    I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
    Love, Francis

    Dear Francis,
    Who the hell names their kid "Francis" anyways?
  • Dear Santa,
    I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
    Love, Susan

    Dear Susan,
    Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
  • Dear Santa,
    What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
    Your friend, Thomas

    Dear Thomas,
    All the toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table.
    Hey, YOU wanted to know!
  • Dear Santa,
    Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
    Love, Jessica

    Dear Jessica,
    You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
  • Dear Santa,
    I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

    That whiny begging crap may work with your folks, but that shit doesn't fly up here. You're getting a sweater....again.
  • Dearest Santa,
    We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
    Love, Marky

    Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!

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Stuff you just gotta know (annotated by our own Mike, In Broomfield Co.)
  • If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)
  • If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)
  • A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) (How'd they figure this out, and why?)
  • Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
  • Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)
  • Thee strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........)
  • Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
  • The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?)(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
  • Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, ask them?)
  • The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
  • The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)
  • A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy)
  • The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...)(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
  • Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity)
  • Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)
  • An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
  • Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.)
  • After reading all these, all I can say is.............Lucky Pigs.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on . . .

. . . They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."

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Top ten times in history when using the "F" word was appropriate:

10. "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
9. "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8.  "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7.  "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso
6.  "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagorus
5.  "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
4.  "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc
3.  "Scattered *&%#ing ass!" -- Noah
2.  "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" -- JFK
1.  "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton

Submitted by Stas, Biglerville, Pa.

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An extremely shy and very modest man went into the hospital on Oct. 31st . . .

. . . for a series of tests, the last of which had left his digestive system upset. After making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided that his latest cramp was another false alarm, so he stayed put in his bed. Suddenly the dam burst and he filled his bed with diarrhea.

Embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What was that all about?" Still staring down at his feet, the drunk replied: "I'm not sure, but I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!

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An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest . . .

. . . and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess", said the priest.

It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -- you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son", said the priest.

The old man asked "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

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As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life . . .

. . ., a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill 3 Wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."

POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid Gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a Young and Beautiful Princess."

POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite Young Princess, With a priceless Crown of Jewels.

"Your Third Wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother.

The elderly woman's Dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof."
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome Prince?"

POOF: There, in front of the Old Woman, Who has now turned into a beautiful Princess,
stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me Neutered.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. You need to use 'big people words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."

She then asked Eddie what he had done "I read a book," he replied. "That's
wonderful," the teacher said. What book did you read?" Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT." 

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" . . .

. . .The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut? "The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half. "The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house!"

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A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. . .

. . . The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.

The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man."

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

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One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. . .

. . . As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: No shit!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh (grimaces), you're gonna hate Fridays. 

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A crusty old Navy Officer found himself at a gala event downtown . . .

. . . hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Officer for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the old Flyer said, "just serious by nature".

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Officer's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself." The old Officer just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Officer looked at her and replied,"1955."

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The Navy Officer, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now."

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A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice . . .

. . . The woman immediately goes to her employee relations office, recounts the incident, and tells the supervisor that she wants to file a sexual harassment complaint.

The supervisor is puzzled and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx. 

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This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem .  . . 

. . .I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They only know how to say, 'Hi, We're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Submitted by Crystal, Mt. Airy, Md.

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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. . .

. . . They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed, she explained, and I'm afraid the neighbors would talk if I let you stay in my house".

"Don't worry, " Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep out in the barn". She let them settle in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determine that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he and Bob met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his old friend Bob and asked,

"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North"?

Bob nodded, and said "Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit"?

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name"?

"Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy. I'm afraid I did". Why do you ask"?

"She just died and left me everything"!

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An exquisite painting, entitled "Home for Lunch", was on display . . .

. . . in a northeast Pennsylvania art gallery. It depicted three very naked and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. Two women were standing there, staring at the painting, scratching their heads, and trying to figure the painting out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked. "Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. "Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not African-Americans. They're Pennsylvania coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch." 

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The kindergarten class had a homework assignment . . .

. . . to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report or why the dot was exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

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This guy owns a horse stud farm . . .

. .  . and gets a call from a friend, who tells him, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over." The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth", the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?"

So the owners picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes.

"Ok, what about the eerth?"

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.

"OK, finally, can I see her twat?"

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's vagina, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd?

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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