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The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous...

..., and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."

"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"

The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Tools Explained:
  • DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
  • WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '
  • SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
  • PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
  • BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert Minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
  • HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
  • VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
  • OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
  • TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
  • HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
  • BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
  • TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
  • PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
  • STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
  • PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
  • HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
  • HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
  • UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
  • DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Car Insurance Excuses
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
  • The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
  • I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
  • Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
  • The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
  • The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
  • I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
  • To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
  • I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Submitted by Jim, Rockville, Md.
 

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After serious & cautious consideration...

Your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2009!

It was a very hard decision to make. So try not to screw it up!!!

My Wish for You in 2009?

  • May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
  • May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of money.
  • May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
  • May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires, and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy.
  • May the problems you had forget your home address!

In simple words ............

May 2009 be the best year of your life!!!

Submitted by my old and good friend Dave, Bolder. Co.
 

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A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track.

All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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A steeplechase jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A woman walks into a butcher's shop...

... just before closing time and asks, "Do you have any turkey?"

The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs six pounds.

The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?" The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The scales now show eight pounds

"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Why engineers don't write recipe books.

Chocolate Chip Cookies: Ingredients:

  • 532.35 cm3 gluten
  • 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
  • 4.9 cm3 refined halite
  • 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
  • 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
  • 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
  • 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
  • Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
  • 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
  • 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

Directions:

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnstonís first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews.

However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics sheíd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"

The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."

She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"

Again he went through his tables.

"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Donít flush, donít flush!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsburg, Md.
 

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Bother Your Banker

Donít let the bastard off the hook! Here is what to do with him, daily:

  • Call him everyday to get your bank balance, even though it was the same as yesterday.
  • Bring back all of the toasters, crock-pots, tote bags and other insignificant premium they bestowed upon you in times past.
  • Offer to sell the premiums at a little table outside the bank with proceeds to the widows and children of the former bank presidents.
  • Open another account in every branch that they have. Then call back and ask for your balances in each and every account daily.
  • Always show up in your oldest clothes, preferable the ones with holes in them and ask loudly to see your "daddy" bank president. Make sure that your littlest one is dirty.
  • Set up a poker table in the lobby and invite other patrons to start a game.
  • Chain yourself to the front door of a competitor bank and play "Brother, Can You Spare A Dime," on your boom box and solicit handouts from the customers. Bring a tin cup.
  • Bring your sonís rock and roll band outside the door and play the newly written song, "They Did It in í29, and Did It All Over Again" real loud.
  • Go to each teller and try to mastermind a strike.
  • Bring all of your saved pennies to the busiest teller, and demand that she hand count the jar for a deposit. Tell her that there is a Krugerrand in the bottom of the jar. You lie.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Stream, Ill.
 

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There are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

  • Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
  • Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
  • Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
  • Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
  • Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
  • Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
  • Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
  • Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
  • Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
  • Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  • Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
  • Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
  • Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
  • Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
  • Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
  • Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
  • Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
  • Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson...

..., each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."

Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."

The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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After my wonderful vacation in Bali, I boarded my flight back to New York ...

....at Soekarno-Hatta Jakarta International Airport.

"Cabin crew, prepare for take off," the pilot announced, and minutes later, we were gaining speed. I was getting ready for the familiar tug of gravity as the plane leaves the ground, but instead, the whole aircraft shuddered as the pilot deployed reverse thrusters. The plane slowed down, came to a stop in the middle of the runway and taxied back to the gate.

There was a long delay, but the flight crew were not keeping us informed. Finally, without a word of apology and two hours behind schedule, our plane took off.

I was curious as to know what exactly happened earlier, given Indonesia's poor aviation safety record. As the attendant was serving my drinks, I casually asked her: "So what was the delay about?"

"Oh it was nothing," she said in her sweet voice. "The pilot heard a strange noise coming from the engine."

"So everything is fixed then?" I asked her, trying not to look too scared.

"Yes," she replied in a reassuring manner. "We replaced the pilot."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot.

He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up.

"Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?"

"Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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How To Get Your Self Noticed At Your Class Reunion
  • You hire two teenagers, give them pads of paper and a pencil who shriek for your autograph when you enter the room.
  • You bring in boxes of your latest best selling book, all signed, to give out to everyone in the room.
  • You hire someone who constantly calls you on the house phone and says he?s Barack, or John, or George, or Hillary, or Donald, or Brad Pitt or?.
  • You begin a s?nce just before you slurp your soup.
  • Bill Kurtis runs into the room and says, "I?ve just discovered something---you!" It is complete with camera crew and director. You just sit in your padded Gucci chair.
  • When someone wants to see pictures of your family, you whip out your LCD mini television with the software ready-to-go!
  • You return all of the beef brisket, saying that your chef has instructed you not to eat anything served under 140 degrees Fahrenheit? Say it LOUD!
  • You have everyone in the room included in a video hook-up of Letterman doing a top-ten list about your class.
  • Looking down at your diamond-studded shoes, you shriek halfway through the meal and exclaim that there is one diamond missing. Watch everyone go scrambling.
  • Demand a standing ovation when you leave.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
 

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How To Tell That Your New Business May Be Lacking
  • You work for a food company and everyone goes out for lunch.
  • The boss with a terrible cold and flu decides to hold an all morning meeting with the entire office.
  • The company has run out of stamps, has to borrow some from the receptionist.
  • Your new computer screensaver has naked pictures of the customer service manager on it.
  • The other half of the building burned down last night, but since you still have a little electricity, you keep working. But there is such a cold draft coming from that end.
  • The CEO comes into work drunk from the employee party last night.
  • Everybody hits upon you to buy candy for their kid's charity (twenty last week!).
  • The company likes to hire the blind with seeing eye dogs wandering around the place.
  • You get tired of the makeshift bowling alley they put up in the hallway during working hours.
  • There is wine and beer in the vending machines.
  • The family that owns the business is so poor that they are using food stamps at the local Aldi.
  • The boss came into work one day in his pajamas.
  • The office manager still likes acid rock music blaring out of his office.
  • You need a pass to go to the bathroom.
  • A security guard frisks everyone, especially the receptionist, when they come into the building. The CEO frisks everyone, especially the receptionist, when they go out.
  • You find out that for computing, they use digital, five fingers on each hand.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
 

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