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The stewards at an outback racetrack had long suspected ...

a certain owner of doping his horse before a race. One meeting, just before the main race, the chief steward noticed this owner sneaking into the stable. He watched as he slipped something into the horses mouth, then grabbed his arm, shouting 'Got you at last. You'll be rubbed out for life over this, you rotten so and so."

The owner, never at a loss for words, smiled and said "Why, no mate, these are only home made sweets the wife makes. Settles him down before a big race, you see. Here - try one, they're real good." He slipped one into his own mouth in proof, and the steward, his sails deflated, had no option but to do the same.

The owner led the horse to the saddling paddock. "Get in front from the start and stay there," he told the jockey.

"Why so?" asked the jockey. "Is anything likely to pass me?"

The owner grimly replied " Only me and the chief steward."

Also submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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In a recent survey to a gathered audience, the question was asked...

... , "if the world were to end today, where would you like to be?"

There were several expected responses such as "in the arms of my loved ones" and "in a bar" but one young man answered "In South Carolina."

When the interviewer asked him why, he responded, "because everything happens there 50 years later.

Submitted by Steve

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer ...

..., "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Pa.

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One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley ...

... "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

Listen, Bob, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctors certificate for your employer"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure. He then went back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. In ten seconds the computer prints the following:

  1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
  2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
  3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
  4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
  5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better. And, as  always ... Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day ...

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a night.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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These people Vote ...
  • Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution!
  • While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"
  • I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
  • My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving"
  • My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount
  • I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned
  • I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
  • While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He though about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6.

Now you know who elects the politicians !

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Getting Married Too Young

My sister went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in her family dairy farm ...

...  since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this! She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your! entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it..."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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A group of American tourists were taking a coach tour through England.

They passed a large field in which a young lad was digging, and the scene was so picturesque that the loudest, most talkative member of the party - a Texan, who else - shouted out, "Stop the bus. Stop the bus. I gotta get that picture, it's so British."

After objections from the driver, he prevailed and got out, walked over to the fence with his camera and shouted out to the boy, "Say, son, what your 'doin there?"

"Diggin potatoes," came the reply.

"Son, come down here and I'll take your photo. This is so good, the folks back home will love you."

So the boy walked down, carrying the sack he's been putting the potatoes in. His photo taken, the Texan said "what you got in the sack, son?"


"Show me one. I love potatoes."

So he pulled one out and handed it over. "You call that a potato?" the Texan asked incredulously. "Back home, we grow 'em three times as big. Great food for the mouth."

"Well, sir," replied the lad, "We too grow them just right size for our mouths."

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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A man is driving along the highway in his convertible ...

... and he's got eight penguins in the back seat of his car. A police officer sees the car, and pulls him over, siren and lights in full force. When the officer approaches, the driver very politely asks the officer what the trouble is.

The officer says, sternly, "Well, you've got eight penguins in the back seat!"

"Yes, officer, I do," replies the man.

"Well," says the officer, "you take those penguins to the zoo right now!"

"Yes sir, right away, sir," says the man, and he drives away.

The next day, the same officer sees the same car with the same driver, with the same eight penguins in the back seat. Only this time, the penguins are all wearing sunglasses.

The enraged police officer pulls the driver over and can't wait to arrest the man.  The officer says, even more sternly than the previous day, "I thought I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the ZOO!"

"Well, I did," said the man, "and today we're going to the beach!"

Submitted by Nate, Thornton, CO

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office ...

... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,

Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely yours Edna.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia.

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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director ...

..., "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"

 "Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."

 "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."

"Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

(You are not required to tell anyone how you would have done on this test.)

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon.

He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

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