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Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Jerseyian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Tennessee."

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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We went to the movie the other night.

I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier"?

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Money ... It can buy you a House, But not a Home ...
  • It can buy you a Bed, But not Sleep.
  • It can buy you a Clock, But not Time.
  • It can buy you a Book, But not Knowledge.
  • It can buy you a Position, But not Respect.
  • It can buy you Medicine, But not Health.
  • It can buy you Blood, But not Life.
  • It can buy you Sex, But not Love.

So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying! I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.  A truer Friend than me you will never find.

Cash Only, Please!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began...

... "They accuse me of intervening in Angola..." and a man going through the audience called out, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

Castro went on: "They say I'm intervening in Mozambique..." and the same loud voice shouted, "Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro continued: "They say I'm intervening in Nicaragua..." and the voice yelled again, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered, "Bring that man who is shouting 'Peanuts! Popcorn!' to me, and I'll kick him all the way to Miami."

And everybody in the audience started shouting, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A husband and wife were going away for a long weekend.

They made sure the parrot's cage was well watered and seeded and there was enough food left outside for their cat, because if they left her inside, she would try to get at the bird.

The taxi they were taking to the airport arrived, and as they left the house with their luggage the cat streaked inside.

"Damn," said the man, "you wait for me, I won't be a minute." He went back in, chased the cat around the family room before it headed up the stairs to the bedroom.

His wife got in the taxi and noticed the driver was a rather unsavoury looking character, so rather than let him know the house was going to be empty for a few days, she said "My husband won't be a minute, he's just seeing that his elderly mother is comfortable."

A few minutes later he got into the taxi and said "I had to push her out from under the bed with a coat hanger. Well, her claws are so sharp I finally had to wrap a towel around her before throwing her into the backyard."

The taxi driver ran into a parked car.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
 

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This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew ...

... I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording.
 

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"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked ...

... "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A guest of a resort hotel in a tourist area walked in the dining room ...

... where breakfast was being served. The guest sat down at a table and called a waiter to take his order. "I would like two eggs, over easy, one with the yolk overcooked and rubbery and the other undercooked with the yolk broken and running out on the plate. I would also like some sausage that has been grilled and set out on the plate to get cold, burnt toast that has also

grown cold that it crunches and crumbles into nothing at the first bite, and butter that has been in the freezer so that it is impossible to spread, and a pot of coffee that is lukewarm and very weak."

The waiter busily scratched down the guest's order and said, "This is a very complicated order, sir. It might be difficult to deliver it exactly as you have requested."

The guest replied, "But I had that exact breakfast here yesterday!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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An old Indian lined up all of his ten sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" And again nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish. Little Indian tell truth, I no punish." So the Indian asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

The littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff. "

The old Indian then shakes him, spanks him, does everything he can to punish him. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish?"

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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An old man goes to a diner every day for lunch.

He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies, in a thick acent, "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply once again.

The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"

The old man replies: "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"

"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"

"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."


One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"


I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. 'Those aren't fat free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes.... The fat is free!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Australia Department of Health's notice regarding the spread of bird flu ... Open Document

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
 

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Sam and George owned a store in the outskirts of San Francisco.

It had been burglarised several times in the past year and Sam decided to buy a guard dog.

Shopping for one, Sam found himself in Chinatown, at a pet store whose sign boasted, The Best Guard Dogs That Money Will Buy. He entered the store, but much to his disappointment, all the dogs he could see were Pekingese.

"Excuse me", Sam said to the manager, "But the sign outside says you sell guard dogs. Where are they?"

The manager, an elderly Chinese, replied, "Oh, but these are highly trained guard dogs. They all know karate."

"Karate! No way."

"I'll show you", said the shop owner. He took one of the Pekingese out to the backyard and put it in front of a brick. The dog stood absolutely still. The shopkeeper gave a command, "Karate! Brick!"

And with complete astonishment, Sam saw the little dog perform a perfect karate chop, splitting the brick in half. Totally amazed, he bought the dog. Back at his own store, he showed the guard dog Pekingese to George, who thought he was completely mad and told him to return the Pekingese immediately.

"But, he is a trained guard dog."

"Yeah, sure!"

Sam put the Pekingese on the floor and said, "He knows karate!!"

With a sneer George retorted, "Karate! My Foot!"

Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.

Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit."

 I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.

Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."

"Is that so! How?"

He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American were all captured by a group of cannibals.

The cannibal chief, not wanting to appear "primitive" offered each one a last request before they were killed, and that no matter what the request, it would be fulfilled.

The Englishman thought that this was his way out. All he had to do was to make a request that he was sure the chief couldn't fulfill and he wouldn't be killed. So, he requested a nice hot cup of Earl Grey Tea. After all, how could the chief produce a cup of English tea way out here in the bush? "Hmmm", said the chief as he thought about it. After a moment he went into his hut where for the next several minutes strange sounds could be heard coming out. Finally, he re-appeared with a beautiful silver tea service with a steaming pot of Earl Grey Tea. Resigned to his fate, the Englishman sipped his cup of tea as slowly as he could, after which, the cannibals killed him, skinned him and made a canoe out of his skin.

"Wow!" thought both the Frenchman and the American. "They mean business." Well up next was the Frenchman. He figured out what the Englishman was up to, but that he didn't request something that was hard enough to find. So, he requested a glass of a rare 1923 Chateau de Chien Malade. "They'll never be able to produce that!" thought the Frenchman. But once again, after several minutes in his hut, the chief brought out a dusty bottle of the wine with a beautiful wine glass. "Merde!" said the Frenchman as he reluctantly sipped his wine. After he finished, the cannibals killed him, skinned him and made a canoe out of his skin.

At last it was the American's turn. The chief braced himself for what the next request would be. "I want a fork", said the American defiantly. "A fork?" asked the chief? "Yeah, a fork. Ya got one, or don't cha?!" So, the chief went into his hut and immediately returned with a fork, which he then handed over to the American.

Looking out at the group of cannibals, and then at his two dead companions, the American held up the fork for a moment. Then as he started stabbing himself over and over he shouted at the top of his lungs…

…"No one's making a damn canoe outta me!!!!!!!!!"

Submitted by Steve, Iowa City, Iowa
 

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Police aren't perfect, but this cop comes close to winning the ingenuity award.

A driver did the right thing, stopping at the school crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him went ballistic, pounding on her horn and screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to drive through the intersection with him. Still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm awfully sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' license plate holder, the 'Follow me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk and the 'My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter' decal on your back window.......

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
 

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American-Australian Relations

An American oil company was drilling for oil in the far north of Australia. They brought their own crew, but hired some labourers from the local community. One of these Aussies accidentally dropped a heavy hammer down the shaft, making further drilling impossible until it was removed. Much time, money and trouble were spent in extricating it, after which the manager assembled all the men and presented it to the offender with a very sarcastic speech, concluding with, "I want you to accept this hammer as a memento, and hope it will always remind you of the trouble and expense you have caused this company through your stupid and crass carelessness. Now TAKE IT AND GO."

"Does that mean I'm sacked?" asked the Aussie.

"It sure does," was the emphatic reply.

"Well, this thing's no flamin' use to me, then," responded the labourer, proceeding to drop it neatly down the shaft again.


While visiting the United States an Australian businessman was invited to a dinner given by a major organization. After listening to many speeches extolling the virtues of 'God's own country', he was invited to speak. Fortified by a few drinks, he told the following story:

When Noah was out upon the waters one day he noticed the ark had developed a decided list. He summoned his sons, Ham, Shem and Japheth and asked them to investigate. Ham returned shortly after and reported the cause of the trouble. "It's the bull's pen," he explained. "It's not been cleaned out since we started, and the added weight is causing the list."

"Shovel it overboard," ordered Noah.

They did, and some five thousand years later Christopher Columbus discovered it.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
 

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