Humor Additions for July 19th, 2004

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You Know You Live in a Small Town when …
  • you don’t use turn signals because everybody knows where you’re going.
  • neighbors’ kids play in your yard more than your own kids do.
  • you’re born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you’re the first baby of the year.
  • there is no local news section in the newspaper.
  • you speak to each dog you pass … by name … and he wags his tail at you
  • you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
  • you can’t walk for exercise because everyone offers you a ride.
  • the biggest business in town sells farm machinery.
  • you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
  • you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card!

Submitted by Elaine, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Sven and Ole, who are both from Minnesota, traveled down to Texas for a vacation.

While walking along a busy downtown street in Dallas, they see a sign in a store window which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers $2.50 a pair."

Ole says to his pal, "Sven, look at dat! Ve could buy a whole bunch of dese clothes, take 'em back to Minnesota, sell 'em to all our friends, and make a fortune!"

Ole continues, "Now ven ve go in dere, don't you say a vurd, okay? Yust let me do the talkin' 'cause if dey hear your accent, they might tink ve're ignorant Norvegians, and dey von't vanna sell dem clothes to us. Now, I'll talk like I'm a Texan, so dey von't know."

Ole and Sven go in and Ole says with his best fake Texas accent, "Howdy, y'all. Ah'll take 50 of them there suits at five dollahs each, 100 of them there shirts at two dollahs each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at two-fifty each. So, Ah'll just back up mah pickup and......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are a coupla Norwegians from Minnesota, ain't you?"

"Vell . . yah," says a surprised Ole . "How'd you know dat?"

The owner replies, "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Classes for men at the learning center for adults

Note: due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum.

  • Class 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays --- step by step, with slide presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm.
  • Class 2 - The toilet paper roll --- does it change itself? Round table discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
  • Class 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat and avoiding the floor, walls and nearby bathtub? --- group practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 pm for 2 hours. (Note: this class meets at O'Malley's brew pub on 16th street)
  • Class 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor --- pictures and explanatory graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 pm for 3 weeks.
  • Class 5 - After dinner dishes --- can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm
  • Class 6 - Loss of identity --- losing the remote to your significant other. Help line support and support groups. Meets 4 weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 pm.
  • Class 7 - Learning how to find things --- starting with looking in the right places and not turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum. Monday at 8:00 pm, 2 hours.
  • Class 8 - Health watch --- bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 pm for 2 hours.
  • Class 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost --- real life testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 pm location to be determined.
  • Class 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks? Driving simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
  • Class 11 - Learning to live --- basic differences between mother and wife. Online classes and role-playing.
  • Class 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm.
  • Class 13 - How to fight cerebral atrophy --- remembering birthdays, anniversaries and other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 pm for 2 hours.
  • Class 14 - The stove/oven --- what it is and how it is used. Live demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 pm, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Various Pentagon rules for engaging the enemy ...

USMC Rules

  1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
  2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
  3. Have a plan.
  4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
  5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
  6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
  7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
  8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
  9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
  10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
  11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
  12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
  13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating or reloading.
  14. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
  15. And above all ... don't drop your guard.

Navy SEALS Rules

  1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
  2. Kill every living thing within view.
  3. Return quickly to looking cool in latest beach wear.
  4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules

  1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound ruck while starving.
  2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
  3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
  4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
  5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound ruck while starving.

Army Rules

  1. Select a new beret to wear
  2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder
  3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear

US Air Force Rules

  1. Have a cocktail
  2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
  3.  See what's on HBO
  4. Determine "what is a gunfight"
  5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation
  6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives
  7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets
  8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally
  9. Tell the Navy to send the Marines

Navy Rules

  1. Go to Sea
  2. Drink Coffee
  3. Watch porn
  4. Send the Marines

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, MD.

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