Humor Selections for Jan 6th, 2010

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As the coals from our barbecue burned down...

..., our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.  Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.  All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

Jokes From The Edinburgh Fringe
  • "I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex, so he knows what rejection feels like" - Pippa Evans
  • "I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it's awkward" - Tom Stade
  • "A problem shared is attention gained" - Pippa Evans
  • "Never say to an autistic person, you do the maths" - Wilson Dixon
  • "I'm glad they invented emoticons, otherwise I wouldn't know what my dad was thinking" - Kerry Godliman
  • "One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out" - Tim Vine
  • "Politicians are like God. No one believes in them, they haven't done anything for ages, and they give jobs to their immediate family" - Andy Zaltzman
  • "The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?" - Stephen Brown
  • "Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, 'There's a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him" - Carey Marx
  • "One of my friends had twins with IVF. Two old ladies that she knew came up to her, and one got the term wrong. In a very sweet voice, she said, 'Oh, would you look at those beautiful twins! Did you get those on the HIV?'" - Craig Hill
  • "Old people don't like swearing, because a lot of the words weren't invented in their day, so they feel left out" - Zoe Gardner
  • "The anti-aging advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, 'Aah, I've used too much'" - Andrew Bird
  • "I don't hate the Germans, I just miss my grandparents" - Ian Stone
  • "My friend said she was giving up drinking from Monday to Friday. I'm just worried she's going to dehydrate" - Kerri Godliman
  • "My uncle Cleetus is illiterate and ambidextrous. Which is a double tragedy. He is unable to write, with both hands" - Wilson Dixon
  • "If Britons were left to tax themselves, there would be no schools, no hospitals, just a 500-mile-high statue of Diana, Princess of Wales" - Andy Zaltzman
  • "Surgery is just stabbing in a courteous environment" - A L Kennedy
  • "My Nan had a plastic hip put in, but I thought she should have replaced it with a Slinky, 'cause if she fell down the stairs again..." - Steve Williams
  • "I used to go out with Christopher Reeve, but I just had to keep standing him up" - Steve Hall
  • "I despise cliquishness, for reasons only my four closest friends will ever properly understand" - Steve Hall
  • "I'm the eldest of five children. My parents aren't Catholic, just reckless" - Danielle Ward
  • ""I've got nothing against disabled people, I've even got one of their stickers on my car" - Damian Callinan
  • "My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad. Not as in, with a stick - he just died first" - Alex Horne

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

A motorcyclist picked up his friend from work one raw autumn day.

The friend complained he was cold from the wind, so the driver stopped and got his friend to turn his coat around, so the collar would stop the wind blowing down the neck.

They went on aways, but came to a construction site. Quickly the cyclist bumped through the dirt path, and at the end turned around to check how his friend was doing. But the friend had fallen off!

The cyclist rushed back along the dirt path, and discovered a group of construction workers gathered around his friend. He pushed his way through the crowd and asked how his friend was doing.

"He seemed alright," came the reply, "until we turned his head around the right way."

Submitted by John, Waynesboro, Pa.

Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do...
  • Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
  • Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
  • Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
  • What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
  • You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
  • What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
  • Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
  • Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
  • Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
  • I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
  • You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
  • Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
  • My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
  • If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
  • Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
  • If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
  • You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
  • Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

Mexican Tombstones


Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!

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