Humor Selections for May 18th, 2009

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

Help us build our joke and story bank.
E-mail us at:

Basic Rules for Dogs
  • Newspapers: if you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
  • Visitors: quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
  • Barking: because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark.
  • Licking: always take a big drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
  • Holes: rather than digging a big hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem
  • Doors: the area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
  • The art of sniffing: humans like to be sniffed - everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
  • Dining etiquette: always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
  • Housebreaking: housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
  • Going for walks: rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
  • Couches: it is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
  • Playing: if you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
  • Chasing cats: when chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.
  • Chewing: make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes about Animals, My Little Sister's Jokes,

A new supermarket opened in Tampa, Florida...

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

Return to: Top of Page, Groaner Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes,

A young blonde woman is speaking to her psychiatrist.

Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

Return to: Top of Page, Blonde Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes,

You live in Utah if ...
  • The truck in front of you is jacked up on lifts, has an elk or deer decal on the window and spews black smoke from its deisel engine
  • The large SUV or Mini-Van in front of you has a decal of eight stick figures, denoting how many children you proudly own
  • You've driven five miles and passed eight LDS churches
  • You get funny looks in the summer when you wear a halter top or shorts that don't cover your knees
  • You ask "Why are you wearing that funky underwear?"
  • You have to ask why the tall buildings with the strange golden figure on top are always lit up at night.
  • You ask for two beers and the waitress looks at you with surprise.
  • You ask for a LI Iced Tea and get 1 shot of liquor and two shots of liquor flavor.
  • You ask where the nearest liquor store is and they laugh at you.
  • You try to get your flat tire fixed on a Sunday and are surprised to see that 99% of the stores are closed.
  • You hear the expression, "Oh my heck!"
  • Someone asks what ward you belong to
  • You ask a friend to come over for a BBQ on Sunday and they tell you they will be at church for 3 hours and aren't allowed to play on Sundays.
  • You say you are gay and are treated like you have a communicable disease
  • You say you are finished after having 2 kids and get no response
  • You say you married at 25 and are asked WHY SO LATE?

Submitted by Joanne, Herriman, Utah

Return to: Top of Page, List of You Know You're From, My Little Sister's Jokes,


Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Photos, My Little Sister's Jokes,

May 15th Humor Page