Humor Selections for April 29th, 2009

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 Some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume ...
  • "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
  • "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
  • "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
  • "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
  • "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
  • "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
  • "I am a rabid typist."
  • "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
  • "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
  • "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
  • "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
  • "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
  • "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
  • "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
  • "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
  • "Qualifications: No education or experience."
  • "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
  • Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, MD.

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Bob Hope's reflections on:
  • On turning 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."
  • On turning 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
  • On turning 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
  • On turning 100: "I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
  • On giving up his early career, boxing: "I ruined my hands in the ring .. the referee kept stepping on them."
  • On golf: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
  • On presidents: "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
  • On why he chose showbiz for his career: "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
  • On receiving the congressional gold medal: "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
  • On his family's early poverty: "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
  • On his six brothers: "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
  • On his early failures: " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
  • On going to heaven: "I've done benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, CO

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting Married?"


"Do I know her?"


"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, MD.

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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob said ..

... "Ya' know sumthin', Luther,I reckon I'm 'bout ready fur a vacation, only this time I'm gonna' do it little different this time.

"'Last few years," he said, "I took yur advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii, and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti, and durned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." "I ain't gonna do THAT agin."

Luther asked Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna' do this year that's differnt?"

Billy Bob replied, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

Submitted by Pat, Blue Lake, Va.

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A husband booked a round of golf for his wife and himself on a trip ...

... to famous old St. Andrews golf links.

On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar ... you cheat, you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!"

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.

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April 27th Humor Page