Humor Selections for April 22nd, 2009


     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street...

... when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window. "What I would give to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I would do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"Forget that!" the guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Useless Trivia Take 11
  • The percent of women who wash their hands after leaving a restroom is 80%.
  • The percent of men who wash their hands after using a restroom is 55%.
  • There are 333 toilet paper squares on a toilet paper roll.
  • "Jaws" is the most common name for a goldfish.
  • On an average work day, a typist's fingers travel 12.6 miles.
  • The average American eats two donuts a day.
  • The longest word in the Old Testament is "Malhershalahashbaz."
  • The longest time a person has been in a coma is 37 years.
  • Every minute in the U.S. six people turn 17.
  • It takes the Where's Waldo artist one month to complete a drawing.
  • 2,500 lefties die each year using products designed for righties.
  • A baby is born every seven seconds.
  • Ten tons of space dust falls on the Earth every day.
  • Blue and white are the most common school colors.
  • Swimming pools in Phoenix, Arizona, pick up 20 pounds of dust a year.
  • The first message tapped by Samuel Morse over his invention the telegraph was: "What hath God wrought?"
  • The first words spoken by over Alexander Bell over the telephone were: "Watson, please come here. I want you."
  • The first words spoken by Thomas Edison over the phonograph were: "Mary had a little lamb."
  • The three words in the English language with the letters "uu" are: vacuum, residuum and continuum.
  • A baby in Florida was named: Truewilllaughinglifebuckyboomermanifestdestiny. His middle name is George James.
  • In a normal lifetime an American will eat 200 pounds of peanuts and 10,000 pounds of meat.
  • A new book is published every 13 minutes in America.
  • America's best selling ice cream flavor is vanilla.
  • Americans eat 18 billion hot dogs a year.
  • Americans eat 134 pounds of sugar a year.
  • Every year the sun loses 360 million tons.
  • You can tell if a skunk is about if you smell only .000000000000071 ounce of its spray.
  • Animal breeders in Russia once claimed to have bred sheep with blue wool.
  • Penguins are the only bird that can leap into the air like porpoises.
  • India has 50 million monkeys.
  • By some unknown means, an iguana can end its own life.
  • Americans spend around $3 billion for cat and dog food a year.

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More Cute Kid Sayings...

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grand son was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchi ldren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell=2 0me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her..... Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15.. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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Casual Fridays

Memo 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On Committee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "Home Casual" versus "Business Casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Breach Of Contract

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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April 20th Humor Page