Humor Selections for May 8th, 2006

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A man arrives in front of St. Peter in terrible shape ...

St. Peter asks "What on Earth did happen to you?"

"The man answers: "I was the tourist guide in Africa of a team of 6 blonds and a brunet. While crossing a rope bridge, above a river crowded with alligators, a whirlwind blew us upside down. We all managed to grasp the ropes and hang on. Then the remains of the bridge began to give way because of the weight. Someone had to sacrifice and since I was the only man, I behaved like a gentleman."

While the man is telling his story, the blonds also arrive at the pearly gates. Stunned , St. Peter asks "What happened? He said you were safe?"

One of the blonds replied: "It's the fault of that brunet who was part of the group. When the guide jumped she said: "Such a courageous man deserves applause..."

Submitted by Yves, Paris, France

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A farmer was sitting on his porch one hot summers day ...

... when a kid comes along carrying a big bundle of wire. "Hey kid," the farmer calls, "Where you goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here aint just any old wire, this here's chicken wire, an' I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens."

"You caint catch chickens with chicken wire, son."

"Sure I can," the kid replies, and takes off down the road. At the end of the day he comes back down the road and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in the chicken wire.

The farmer is sitting on his porch the next morning too, and the same kid ambles down the lane carrying a big role of tape.

"Hey kid," the farmer calls, "where you goin' with that tape?"

"Well, this here aint any old tape, this here's duck tape, an' I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks."

"Son, you caint catch ducks with duck tape. Don't ya knows anythin'?"

"Sure I can," the kid says, and takes off down the road. At the end of the day he walks back down the lane, and the farmer can't believe his eyes, there's a whole bunch of ducks wrapped up in the tape.

Again the next morning the kid walks past carrying a stick.

"Hey, kid, where you goin' with that stick?" asks the farmer.

"Well, old man," the kid replies, "this here aint just any stick. This here's pussy willow."

"Hang on," says the farmer, licking his lips, a gleam in his eye, "I'll get my hat."

Later that morning he helped look after 75 cats. 

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Recent Quips from Late Night Take 8

"We estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander around, it's not a problem, but if they find a leader -- a Captain Caveman, if you will -- we'll be facing an even more serious problem." --Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, on the dangers of global warming

"The president's mother, Barbara Bush, donated tax deductible money to the Katrina Relief. ... Now we find out the specific instructions -- that the money be spent for educational software owned by her son, Neil. Because who can forget those tragic images of the poor black people on the rooftops in New Orleans holding up signs that said, 'Send educational software.'" --Bill Maher

"Did you hear about this? According to a recent poll, three out of five Americans believe George W. Bush should be impeached. And when he heard that, the president said, 'Cool, I love peaches.'" --David Letterman

"President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing." --Jon Stewart

"Today is also the third anniversary of the Iraq war. So far so good! Whatever happened to that mission accomplished thing? I think now the only way to get rid of the Iraq war is to put it on NBC."

"[Bush] is committed to one thing, he's going to disarm Iran, he's going to disarm Korea, and he's going to disarm Cheney." --David Letterman

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"
  • Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
  • Why is a boxing ring square?
  • Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
  • Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
  • Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  • Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
  • Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on "Start?"
  • Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  • Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
  • Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  • You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
  • Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
  • Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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More realistic FEMA guidelines for rebuilding New Orleans


Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

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May 5th Humor Page