Humor Selections for August 9th, 2006

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 16

"Congress has sent a bill to President Bush that would set up a national database of convicted sex offenders on the Internet. Don't we have this already? It's called MySpace." --Jay Leno

"Another day in the Middle East. Obviously the cease-fire fell through, talks fell apart, they lasted about two hours. Even the O.J. jury managed to meet longer than that." --Jon Stewart

"How 'bout that Saddam Hussein? I'm beginning to think the guy's wacky. He announced that if he's found guilty he would like to be shot. Sounds like a job for Cheney." --David Letterman

"A Tomahawk cruise missile fell off a truck in the Bronx this week. A cruise missile, isn't that unbelievable? You know what that means? There are now more weapons of mass destruction in the Bronx than there are in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Condoleezza Rice was in Rome and she visited the Vatican and all the priests were very happy to see her. And everybody kept asking her 'What's it like to be celibate?'." --David Letterman

"We talk a lot about Iraq, the Middle East, and Baghdad in particular, which hasn't had what they call utility services. They haven't had water, electric return to the state the way they were before the war, but the United States isn't really doing so great with that here either." --Jon Stewart

"Humanitarian aid in the U.S. has begun arriving in Lebanon. The U.S. Government sent 10,000 medical kits, 20,000 blankets, $30 million cash and today the people of New Orleans said: 'They did what?'." --Jay Leno

"Realize if Al Gore is right and the polar ice caps do melt, the entire state of Florida would be under water and he could finally win a presidential election." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her ...

... "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next."

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.

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We've been trying to save money because the mortgage payments were pretty tough to work with.

I don't reckon I drink too much beer, maybe a carton on weekends with the boys, but she told me we couldn't afford beer anymore. Well, it was tough, but I quit.

Then the credit card statement came in, with $150 spent on cosmetics. So I asked how come I had to give up stuff but she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

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Confucius Says
  • Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
  • Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
  • He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.
  • Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
  • Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.
  • Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet.
  • Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
  • Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

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Every day I live in fear ...

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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