Humor Selections for April 5th, 2006

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A blond called asking if I had a really good cake recipe.

It was about to be her hubby's 40th birthday and she wanted to make his cake from scratch, as opposed to a cake mix or bakery cake.

Knowing she was a blond, I gave her one of the simplest recipes I have.

I called her yesterday to see how everything went, and she said the cake only turned out so-so.

"It was a bit flat and slightly chewy" she said.

"Did you follow the directions I gave you" I asked

"Yeah. There was one ingredient I wasn't quite sure about though." replied the blond

This cake calls for flour, sugar, eggs, cocoa powder, vanilla extract, soda, salt and water. Very basic ingredients so I could not imagine what possibly confused her. "Well, which one was that, do you think?" I asked

"I think it was a problem with the soda. Your recipe said 1 tsp. soda, but did not say what type, so I used Seven-Up. Should I have been Pepsi?" she asked.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Unwritten laws of life ...
  • Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch.
  • Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
  • Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
  • Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
  • Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
  • Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
  • Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
  • Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
  • Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
  • Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  • Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
  • Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
  • Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
  • Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly Sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
  • Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
  • Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
  • Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
  • Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • Wilson 's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Marriage is ...
  • Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
  • Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
  • Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
  • Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
  • Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
  • Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
  • Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
  • Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
  • Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.

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You know your luck has run out when the end of your rainbow is an outhouse


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