Humor Selections for September 19th, 2005

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If you were asked to name the animals political hacks most closely resemble ...

... which one would you choose?

Armadillo: totally wrapped in itself, nearly impossible to needle, and conscious of all the dangers out there. Given away by the sly glint of amused cynicism in the eyes, knowing that only it has taken the proper steps to remain in office.

Lion: roaring dreadfully, it has built up fear and respect from everyone around while permitting his wife to do all the work, the thinking, and the application of its policies. Has successfully marketed itself as trademark, logo, mascot, and money-spinner. Uses campaign speeches written by hyenas.

Gazelle: Graceful and gorgeous, big brown eyes make the gazelle the ideal companion for the upwardly and downwardly mobile politician. Admired by lions, hunted by lionesses, may be found in cosy, warm, well-appointed high-rises. Talks out of giddiness and the need to feel high, reveals secrets to the media but is never to blame.

Elephant: Revered by some, this mighty beast has an impervious skin, ability to attack fiercely, work in lumber camps, carry children on its back, squirt water and dirt at opponents and self, and likes to eat peanuts. For all its strength it is bothered by midges, and while it is very effective as party whip, it is better suited to loading trucks.

Horse: A true friend to humankind since the dawn of history, the horse is now either the king of the track or the stable, both roles unrewarding financially. Needs to feel wanted and useful and no campaign can be run without them. Secretly longs for a return to pulling carts or chariots, but will always put up posters if fed carrots.

Polar Bear: Happy in frozen isolation, this bear has developed survival strategies that are the envy of many. Spends long hours in thoughtful hibernation developing economic theories which it then coaxes into mainstream use, will not be held responsible for their failure elsewhere. This think tank head should never be let near policy. Cannot understand expediency.

Chimpanzee: An essential tool in political science, the chimp cannot comprehend what his descendants, or his fellows, are up to. The average voter, but also a carrier of potentially dangerous plagues. Does what the lion says.

Dogs: Mans best friend who got that way by being accommodating, alert, possessive, jealous, hungry, fierce when needed, and slobberingly ingratiating at all other times. Born salespeople, they are most suited to lobbying, setting the stage, and sniffing out the opposition. Not noted for subtlety, they often become campaign managers.

Cats: The supreme egoist, domesticated cats know what is theirs and that the rest doesn't matter. Will do anything to make their life better and more meaningful, but go to pieces over radical changes. The average middle class voter, can be bought with a bigger saucer of warm milk.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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Things to do in an Office Meeting take 1
  • Take notes in finger paint.
  • At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus condition.
  • Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, 'Oh, now I get it!'
  • Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: 'Hey, you don't want to catch what I've got!'
  • Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or so.
  • Make a face like somebody beside you farted.
  • Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the _real_ reason this meeting has been called.
  • Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize profusely.
  • Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
  • Bring a noisy electric pencil sharpener. Sharpen your pencil every few minutes.
  • Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
  • Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in the conference room. Apologize while you sign for it.
  • About half an hour later, have a different person deliver another one.

Submitted by Mike, Bolder, Co.

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A new young monk arrives at the monastery and, as with all new monks ...

... he is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. The young monk becomes concerned and goes to the dark cave to check.

He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate! The word is celebrate!

Submitted by Pastor Jon, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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