Humor Additions for May 23rd 2005

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Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments ...
  • Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
  • Active socially: Drinks heavily.
  • Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
  • Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
  • Average: Not too bright.
  • Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
  • Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
  • Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
  • Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
  • Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
  • Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
  • Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
  • Deserves promotion: Create new title to make him feel appreciated.
  • Displays excellent intuitive judgment: Knows when to disappear.
  • Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
  • Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
  • Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
  • Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
  • Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
  • Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
  • Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
  • Happy: Paid too much.
  • Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
  • Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
  • Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
  • Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
  • Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
  • Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
  • Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
  • Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
  • Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
  • Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
  • Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
  • Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
  • Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
  • Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
  • Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
  • Should go far: Please.
  • Slightly below average: Stupid.
  • Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
  • Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
  • Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
  • Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
  • Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
  • Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
  • Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
  • Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
  • Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
  • Well organized: Does too much busywork.
  • Will go far: Relative of management.
  • Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money

Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.

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Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting.

They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."

One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA.

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There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him.

So the family decided that a nursing for the aged would be appropriate. Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to see how the old man's first day was going.

"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.

In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.

As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too."

"That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone."

Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!"

The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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Sign of the times, take 1


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