Humor Additions for June 20th 2005

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An elderly deacon in the local congregation had the habit of falling asleep during the sermon ...

... which was not too bad, but his snoring was. The minister talked to him, pleaded with him, but no matter the intention to stop, the sleeps continued. Finally the minister thought of a way to put an end to this once and for all this embarrassment. The following Sunday sure enough, five minutes into the sermon, the deacon's snores were reverberating.

In a very quiet voice he said to the congregation, "Listen. I love Jim, but I can't let him snore like that, it's puts me off. So, when I make my next announcement, I want you all to keep quiet and stay seated. OK?"

A few moments later he bellowed out as loud as he could, "Would all those that want to go to hell stand UP!!"

This woke Jim with a start, and jumping to his feet and looking around he said, "Well, reverend, I don't know what the motion was, but it looks as though you and I are the only ones for it!"

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Al.

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As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan ...

... that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

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Gentle thoughts for today...
  • Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
  • When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
  • A penny saved is a government oversight.
  • The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
  • If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
  • If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  • The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
  • There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt
  • Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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A Marine squad came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious.

Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar, but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert.

As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.

He replied, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover."

"What happened then?"

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that George Bush was a rich, good-for-nothing, draft-dogging liar."

"We were standing in the middle of the road shaking hands when a truck hit us."

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June 15th Humor Page