Humor Additions for June 1st 2005

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A small boy was playing out in his dad's farm one day ..

... when he found something resembling a slug, but with bright orange spots on its back. Placing it on a leaf, he hurried inside and asked his mum if he could keep it. She was horrified by this strange thing, but his dad said it would be Ok if the boy fed and watered it each day. Into a matchbox it went, with a wet lettuce leaf for food and water. The next morning the leaf had gone, so the boy pulled some clover from the field and watched it eat - surprisingly quickly. At tea that night he fed it his broccoli, which he hated, and within two days the slug had grown quite a bit.

"What are you going to call it?" asked his father, "Pets have to have names."

"Gosh, I don't know," relied the boy. "Wilbur?"

"Nah, too common. Look, son, it's a rare creature, think of a rare name."

But the only name he could think of was 'Rarey', which somehow stuck. Within a month it was in a shoe box, within two months it was in a milk crate, and was eating everything in sight. The boy's father went to various experts with it, but no one identified it, although several wanted to keep it. His mother was adamant that it had to go, they didn't know how dangerous it was, and it would soon be eating them as well.

After tantrums and tears, the boy had to agree it was a problem, so his father said 'look, son, we'll take it in the tiptruck up the mountain, a long way away, and leave it in the forest. OK?"

So that's where they went - but they couldn't coax it out of the back when they had gone miles and miles into the mountains. It even seemed to be threatening them, and its teeth were by now long and very sharp. In the end they drove to a very deep ravine, where the man backed the truckup to the edge and began to tilt the tray back so that it would slide out.

As it began to slide, however, the boy began to cry and plead with his father to stop. "Don't let him drop down there," he screamed, pointing to the ravine.

"Why ever not?" asked his father

"Because it's a long way to tip a rarey!" wailed the boy.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify.

A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question".

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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Unanswered Questions
  • Can you cry under water?
  • How important does a person have to be before they considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
  • If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
  • Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
  • Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
  •  Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
  • Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
  • What disease did cured ham actually have?
  • How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  • Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
  • If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
  •  If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
  • Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
  • Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
  • How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America???
  • Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
  • If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
  • Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
  • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
  • Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
  • Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? (I've always wondered.. ;)
  • When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
  • Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
  • If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
  • Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
  • Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
  • What do you call male ballerinas?
  • Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
  • If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
  • If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
  • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  • Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
  • Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  • Why did you just try singing the two songs above? (lmao...)
  • Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

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