Humor Additions for July 15th 2005

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One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. 

What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: A Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me,

and what a blessing that would be. If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be ok, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came into the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket, uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD

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Top 10 Indicators That Your Employer Has Changed to a Cheaper Health Care Plan:
  • Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
  • Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park"
  • The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles
  • The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
  • The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a day."
  • Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
  • "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges," is not a typographical error.
  • The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
  • Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

And the number one sign you've joined a very cheap health care plan:

  • You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

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The Class Reunion ...

Every ten years, as summertime nears, an announcement arrives in the mail. A reunion is planned, it'll be really grand - Make plans to attend without fail.

I'll never forget the first time we met; we tried so hard to impress. We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars, and wore our most elegant dress.

It was quite an affair; the whole class was there. It was held at a fancy hotel. We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined, and everyone thought it was swell.

The men all conversed about who had been first toachieve great fortune and fame. Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses and how beautiful their children became.

The homecoming queen, who once had been lean, now weighed in at one-ninety-six. The jocks who were there had all lost their hair, and the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks.

No one had heard about the class nerd who'd guided a spacecraft to the moon; or poor little Jane, who's always been plain; she married a shipping tycoon.

The boy we'd decreed "most apt to succeed" was serving ten years in the pen, while the one voted "least" now was a priest; just shows you can be wrong now and then.

They awarded a prize to one of the guys who seemed to have aged the least. Another was given to the grad who had driven the farthest to attend the feast.

They took a class picture, a curious mixture of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties. Tall, short, or skinny, the style was the mini; you never saw so many thighs.

At our next get-together, no one cared whether they impressed their classmates or not. The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal; by this time we'd all gone to pot.

It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores; we ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans. Then most of us lay around in the shade, in our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.

By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear. We were definitely over the hill. Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed, and be home in time for their pill.

And now I can't wait; they've set the date; our fiftieth is coming, I'm told. It should be a ball, they've rented a hall at the Shady Rest Home for the old.

Repairs have been made on my hearing aid; my pacemaker's been turned up on high. My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled; and I've bought a new wig and glass eye.

I'm feeling quite hearty, and I'm ready to party I'm gonna dance 'til dawn's early light. It'll be lots of fun; but I just hope that there's one other person who can make it that night.

Author Unknown

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA.

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