Humor Additions for January 24th 2005

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For those who never saw the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in thier history ..

Back in the 1930s and '40's, before the interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream .

  • Trains don't wander, All over the map, 'Cause nobody sits, In the engineer's lap - Burma Shave
  • She kissed the hairbrush, By mistake She thought it was Her husband Jake - Use Burma Shave
  • Don't lose your head, To gain a minute, You need your head, Your brains are in it - Burma Shave
  • Drove too long, Driver snoozing, What happened next, Is not amusing - Burma Shave
  • Brother speeder, Let's rehearse, All together, Good morning nurse - Burma Shave
  • Speed was high, Weather was not, Tires were thin, X marks the spot - Burma Shave
  • The midnight ride, Of Paul for beer, Led to a warmer, Hemisphere - Burma Shave
  • Around the curve, Lickety-split , Its a beautiful car, Wasn't it? - Burma Shave
  • No matter the price, No matter how new, The best safety device, In the car is you - Burma Shave
  • A guy who drives, A car wide open, Is not thinkin', He's just hopin' - Burma Shave
  • At intersections, Look each way , A harp sounds nice, But its hard to play - Burma Shave
  • Both hands on the wheel, Eyes on the road, That's the skillful, Driver's code - Burma Shave
  • The one who drives, When he's been drinking, Depends on the car, To do his thinking - Burma Shave
  • Car in ditch, Driver in tree, The moon was full And so was he - Burma Shave

And the all time favorite:

  • Passing school zone, Take it slow, Let our little Shavers grow - Burma Shave

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year ...

...and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year, Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, Esther I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot over heard the couple and said, "folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you; but, if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his dare devil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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An man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard ..

.... Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him.

As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where! the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He says: "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

Submitted by Pastor Brie, Taneytown, Md.

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Technology for county folk ...

Jan 21st Humor Page