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| I hate this time of year because it's the season when the food police come out . . .
. . . with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and
cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure
you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
- About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every
sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate
of food and that vat of eggnog.
If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like
a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa. |
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| One particular Christmas season, a long, long time ago ... ..., Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. . . . But there were problems everywhere.
Four of the elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce toys nearly as quickly as the regular elves, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of falling behind schedule.
Next, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa out even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer for the big flight, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
More STRESS.
Then, Santa began to load the sleigh, but one of the boards cracked! The toy bag fell through to the ground, scattering toys everywhere.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house to have a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he got to the cupboard, Santa realized that the elves had hidden all of the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, Santa accidentally dropped the coffee pot and sent it
shattering to the floor. It broke into hundreds of tiny pieces.
Santa went to the closet to get the broom, but discovered that mice had eaten all of the straw, leaving only the handle.
Just at that very moment, the doorbell rang. Santa cussed all the way to the door. He opened the door, and standing there in front of him was a little angel with a big Christmas tree.
Very Cheerfully, the angel said, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful Christmas tree here, just for you. Don't you think it's just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
. . . . . . And, thus began our tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree. |
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| Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration . . .
. . ., and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put his flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're going to lose an engine on takeoff."
Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md. |
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| Santa's On the job hazard ... 
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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Dec 16th Humor Page
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