Humor Additions for May 24th, 2004

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Murphy's Laws For Law Enforcement
  • The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.
  • Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
  • High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
  • If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
  • Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
  • If you have 'cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
  • If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
  • Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
  • If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on 'Eyewitness News'.
  • When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
  • If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
  • You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
  • On any call, there will always be more 'bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
  • The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
  • Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
  • You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer".
  • If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Two cadets at Colorado's Air Force academy were bragging in their off time ...

... about what good hunters they were.  Well, it seems that they decided to have a contest, and whoever won the contest would be accounted the better hunter. To make the things a little more interesting, they each put up a pint of the best whiskey they could find.

There had been rumors that a lion had escaped the local zoo and was roaming around loose in the dessert that surrounded the academy. The contest was that whoever bagged the lion and brought it back to base was the winner.

The first cadet borrowed a large hunting rifle and set about hunting down the lion in the conventional manner. The second cadet, who was perhaps a bit more inventive than his counterpart, secured a training jet from the local commander, loaded the wing guns with live ammunition and headed out over the dessert in search of the lion. It wasn't long before he spotted it, and, from the safety of the plane, killed it. He took the plane down, loaded the lion's body into the copilot's seat, and headed back to base, where he promptly downed both bottles.

Which just goes to show that a strafed lion is the shortest distance between two pints.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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A husband forces himself to open his eyes ...

..., and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table ...

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

  • A self-induced hangover - $100.00
  • Broken furniture - $200.00
  • Breakfast - $10.00
  • Saying the right thing - priceless

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