Humor Additions for Jan 1st, 2004

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Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done.

I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred a and ran to my car.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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The Pope dies of old age and finds himself at the Gates of Heaven at 0300.

He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed watchman opens the gate and asks, "Wadda ya want?" "I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 63 years of Godly work and thought I should check in here."

The watchman checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got no orders for you here-- just bring your stuff and we'll sort this all out in the morning." They go to an old World War II-style barracks, third floor, open bay. All the bottom racks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors. The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper bunk.

The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He get up and goes to a window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The sidewalks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti. In the back seat sits a US Navy Submariner, his dolphins glistening on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, a bottle of San Miguel in one hand, and his arm around a voluptuous blonde angel with magnificent halos.

This disturbs the Pope and he runs downstairs to the Master-At-Arms and says, "Hey, what gives? You put me, the Pope, with 63 years of Godly deeds in an open bay barracks while this Submariner, who must have committed every sin known and unknown to man is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a saint's welcome. How can that be?"

The Master-At-Arms calmly looks up and says, "We get a Pope up here every 20 or 30 years, but we've never had a Submariner before."

Submitted by ex-submariner Pete, Richland, Wa.

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What happens when you have ... nothing to do; a sharp knife; a large lime; a patient cat; too much tequila, and, it's football season?

Submitted by Jamie, Frederick, Md.

Dec 31st Humor Page