Never take life seriously. Nobody
gets out alive anyway ...
- Gardening Rule: When
weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and
not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
- The easiest way to find something lost
around the house is to buy a replacement.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians --
the quick and the dead.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for
breaking other toys.
- If quitters never win, and winners
never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're
ahead?"
- Health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.
- The only difference between a rut and a
grave is the depth.
- Get the last word in: Apologize.
- Give a person a fish and you feed them
for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't
bother you for weeks.
- Some people are like Slinkies . . . not
really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- All of us could take a lesson from the
weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- Why does a slight tax increase cost you
two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty
cents?
- In the 60's, people took acid to make
the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac
to make it normal.
- Politics is supposed to be the second
oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very
close resemblance to the first.
- How is it one careless match can start
a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Submitted by Tom,
Willow Pond Farms,
Fairfield, Pa.
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Somewhere in the deep south Bubba
called an attorney and asked ...
...,
"Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing
people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that's true." answered the
lawyer.
"And people are suing the fast food
restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with
all them burgers and fries--is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"
'Cause I was thinkin'--maybe I can sue
Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been dating ..."
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An old snake goes to see his Doctor
... ...
"Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these
days."
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of
glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells
the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the
glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just
discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
Submitted by
Debbie, Middletown,
Md.
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The Ramifications
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July
18th Humor Page
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