Humor Additions for Monday, July 15

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Southern Horoscopes ...

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA.

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More Brain Twisters

  1. 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: Bread. If you said "toast" then give up now and go and find yourself a shoe box as you can't handle life. If you said "bread" then please progress on to question 2.
  2. Say "silk" 5 times, now spell "silk". What do cows drink? Answer: "Water". If you said "milk," then may I suggest that you do not try the next question, as it may seem that your brain cell is over - taxed, you need a holiday. May I suggest children's world? If you said "water" then you may go onto question 3.
  3. If a red house is made from red bricks, a blue house is made out of blue bricks, a pink house is made out of pink bricks, a black house is made out of black bricks what is a green house made out of? Answer: "Glass". If you said "green bricks" then what are you still doing here reading these questions!!!! If you said "glass" then please progress onto question 4.
  4. 20 years ago a plane is flying at 20,000 ft, over the old country Germany when 2 of the engines fail, the pilot realizing that the last remaining engine was failing, he decides a crash landing procedure, but unfortunately the engine fails before time and the plane crashes smack bang in the middle of "No mans land" the land between East Germany and West Germany in the middle of the Berlin wall, . where would you bury the survivors East Germany, West Germany or in "no mans land"?! Answer: You don't bury "survivors" if you said anything other than the sentence above then please never fly, you may cause more damage should the plane crash!!! If you said the sentence above then carry on to question 5.
  5. If on a clock the hour hand moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand travel in 1 hour? Answer: "1 degree." If you said "360 degrees", or anything other than the answer, may I congratulate you on getting this far. But be honest with yourself, Do you think you can handle the last and final question? If you said "1 degree" then please go on to the last question.
  6. Without using a calculator - you are driving a bus from London to Milford haven (Wales) in London 17 people get on the bus, in reading 6 people get off, 9 people get on, in Swindon 2 people get off, 4 people get on, in Cardiff 11 people get off, 16 people get on, in Swansea 3 people get off, 5 people get on, in Carmarthen, 6 people get off,3 people get on the bus then pulls into Milford haven bus depot. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: "Your name." Read the first line!

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.

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After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.

There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.  Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama in the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He takes a sledge hammer and WHAM! nails Osama's knees.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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