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Signs that Show Businesses Still have a Sense of Humor ...
  • Septic Tank Truck sign reads: "We're #1 in the #2 business".
  • Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
  • At a military hospital-door to colonoscopies: "To expedite your visit please back in"
  • On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
  • On the trucks of a local plumbing company "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
  • At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
  • Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Come in and pick your nose."
  • At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
  • At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
  • On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
  • In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
  • At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
  • On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
  • In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
  • On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
  • At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
  • Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
  • At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
  • In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
  • In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait.
  • At a propane filling station, "Tank heaven for little grills."
  • And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak"

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.

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A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean.

It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas, and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said." Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well, if you'd like to shave, there’s a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor-sharp. Next he showered-not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom-and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too? Isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just . . . well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly, "You mean . . . you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail?!?"

Submitted by Marianna, Columbia, Md.

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A Indian, Muslim and a Cowboy are sitting in a bar ...

The Indian downs his drink and says "My people once were many, Now we are few."

The Muslim drinks his water and says "My people once were few, Now we are many."

The Cowboy drinks his shot, smiles and says "That's because we haven't played Cowboys and Muslims yet!"

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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