Humor Additions for Monday, August 19

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Some Important Financial Terms That Were Redefined in 2002:
  • Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
  • Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
  • Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
  • Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
  • P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.
  • Broker -What my broker has made me.
  • "B'Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
  • Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.
  • Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
  • Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
  • Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
  • Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
  • Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
  • Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
  • Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
  • Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
  • Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.
  • Alan Greenspan - God
  • Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.

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One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewilderedly and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I did all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Calif

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A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed.

The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, "All lawyers are idiots."

A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"

The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

He replies, "No, I'm an idiot."

Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square, Pa.

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