Humor Additions for Monday, September 24th, 2001

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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. 

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer, 'or' That's Michael. He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And There's the teacher. She's dead."

An honest seven- year- old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

For weeks, a six- year old lad kept telling his first- grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six- year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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What I learned in Hebrew School
  • The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
  • The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
  • Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
  • The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
  • Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
  • Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
  • David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
  • Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
  • Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  • Jesus was born because Mary had immaculate contraption.
  • Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  • The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  • St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Taps. It's the song that gives us that lump in our throats and usually creates tears in our eyes. 

But, do you know the story behind the song? If not, I think you will be pleased to find out about its humble beginnings.

Reportedly, it all began in 1862 during the Civil War, when Union Army Captain Robert Ellicombe was with his men near Harrison's Landing in Virginia. The Confederate Army was on the other side of the narrow strip of land. During the night, Captain Ellicombe heard the moans of a soldier who lay severely wounded on the field. Not knowing if it was a Union or a Confederate soldier, the captain decided to risk his life and bring the stricken man back for medical attention. Crawling on his stomach through the gunfire, the captain reached the stricken soldier and began pulling him toward his encampment. When the captain finally reached his own lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate soldier, but the soldier was dead.

The captain lit a lantern and suddenly caught his breath and went numb with shock. In the dim light, he saw the face of the soldier. It was his own son. The boy had been studying music in the South when the war broke out. Without telling his father, the boy enlisted in the Confederate Army. The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked permission of his superiors to give his son a full military burial despite his enemy status.

His request was only partially granted. The captain had asked if he could have a group of Army band members play a funeral dirge for his son at the funeral. The request was turned down since the soldier was a Confederate. But, out of respect for the father, they did say they could give him only one musician. The Captain chose a bugler. He asked the bugler to play a series of musical notes he had found on a piece of paper in! the pocket of the dead youth's uniform. This wish was granted. The haunting melody, we now know as "Taps" used at military funerals, was born.

I, too, have felt the chills while listening to "Taps" but I have never seen all the words to the song until now. I didn't even know there was more than one verse. I also never knew the story behind the song and I didn't know if any of you had either so I thought I'd pass it along. I now have an even deeper respect for the song than I did before.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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