Humor Additions for Monday, October 29th, 2001

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Take all American women who are within five years of menopause . . .

. . . train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources.

We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

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A Week in the life of a Gardener's Spouse

She dug the plot on Monday, the soil was rich and fine
But she forgot to put the dinner on, so out we went to dine.

She planted roses Tuesday, she says they are a must.
They really were quite lovely, but she forgot to dust.

On Wednesday it was daisies they opened with the sun,
All pinks and whites and yellows, but the laundry wasn't done.

The poppies came on Thursday all bright and cherry red,
I guess she really was engrossed, she never made the bed.

It was violets here on Friday in colours she adores,
It never bothered her at all, the dirt upon our floors.

Saturday I hired a maid, I'd not admit defeat,
She can garden all she wants now and the house will still be neat

It's nearly lunchtime Sunday I cannot find the maid,
Oh I don't believe it. She's out there alongside my wife with her own spade!

Submitted by Lindsay, Blenhiem, New Zealand

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At a hastily called press conference this morning, the Taliban Minister of Emigration . . .

. . . Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if any further military action was taken against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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