Humor Additions for Wednesday, August 18th, 2001

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Kid's answers to questions about the Old and New Testaments.
  • In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
  • Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
  • Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
  • The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
  • Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
  • Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
  • The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
  • The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
  • Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
  • The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  • David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
  • Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  • When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  • When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
  • Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  • Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  • The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  • One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
  • St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
  • Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Submitted by Lisa, Libertytown, Md.

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We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse.

For my grandchildren I'd like better. I'd really like for you to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen. It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.

I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in, I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.

When you want to see a movie and your little brother wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him. I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what IVORY Soap tastes like.

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you Dope or a Joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend!

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle. May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

Paul Harvey

Submitted by Vicki, Kennet Square, Pa.

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Joe and Bill are working at the sawmill when Bill saws his arm off. 

Joe takes the arm, puts it in a plastic bag and rushes Bill to the hospital. The next day, Joe visits the hospital to find Bill in rehab playing tennis.

"Wow, the wonders of modern science", Joe says.

They Get back to work and are sawing away when clumsy Bill cuts his leg off. Joe takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag, and off they go to the hospital. The next day, Joe visits and finds Bill playing football.

"Wow the wonders of modern science," Joe says.

Back at work, Bill leans too far forward and cuts his head off. Joe takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag and rushes to the hospital. The next day, when Joe visits, he finds no sign of his friend.

"Where's Bill?" he asks an orderly.

"We might have saved him," reports the orderly. "But some idiot put Bill's head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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