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Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner.

On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occurred & Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!"

By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".

"It's the biggest dam I know." he replied.
 

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Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest...

... and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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The minister drove into a sand trap.

He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn't say a word. Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word.

He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.

Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up."

"Golf?" asked the caddie.

"No" he replied. "The ministry."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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What would they have driven?

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?".

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury".

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm".

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast".

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills".

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land". And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."
 

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven.

At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'

'Yes,' the professor answered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'

'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'

'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor answered.

'I am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas.'

Submitted by Pastor Jon, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven

St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven!"

"You are very well known here, and as a special reward... because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"

"Well," the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."

St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!

The priest is beside is himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad.

Would you please tell me?"

"Honestly?" with a little pained grimace on her face.

"Well, I was really hoping for a girl."

Submitted by Father Al, Philadelphia, Pa.
 

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Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition

Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

A new Pope's reign was shortly followed by a new Chief Rabbi. He was intrigued by this ritual, and that its origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, His Holiness calls him back.

"My brother," the Pope whispers, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history." The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agrees.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.

As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opens it. They both gasped with shock -

It is a bill for the Last Supper from "Moishe the Caterer"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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A man is struck by a bus on a busy street.  

He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd and yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE!"

Out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age.

Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay. He kneels down, leans over the prostrate man and says in a solemn voice:

B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72.
 

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Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest.

At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the . . . in a sensitive area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
 

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Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner.

On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occurred & Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!"

By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".

"It's the biggest dam I know." he replied.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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An Aid to the Pope announced he had good and bad news.

"What's the good news?" The Pope asked.

"We just learned that Jesus has retuned to Earth". The aid said.

"Wow, that incredible.  What a glorious day it is.  What could possibly be bad enough to ruin this news?" asked the Pope.

The aid looked down at his feet and did shuffled about.  "Well you holiness, we just found out he's been in Salt lake City for two weeks...."

Submitted by Dan, Charleston, SC.
 

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After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our ten biggest trouble makers!"

Submitted by Jon, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest...

... and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity...

... one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Christian One Liners
  • Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
  • Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited Until you try to sit in their pews.
  • Many folks want to serve God, But only as advisers.
  • It is easier to preach ten sermons Than it is to live one.
  • The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, But mosquitoes come close.
  • People are funny; they want the front of the bus, Middle of the road, And back of the church.
  • Opportunity may knock once, But temptation bangs on the front door forever.
  • Quit griping about your church; If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
  • If a church wants a better pastor, It only needs to pray for the one it has.
  • I don't know why some people change churches; What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
 

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A pastor woke up Sunday morning as it was an exceptionally beautiful...

.... and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Father O'Brian, a young priest, was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska.

After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

Father O'Brian said "this is a very lonely job and I don't think that I could have made it this long without my Rosary and two martinis each day."

"What?!" Exclaimed the Bishop. "You've taken to drinking? What kind of example is that to set for the community? This doesn't reflect well on the church."

"But the loneliness, I just couldn't stand it. If it weren't for my Rosary and those two martinis a day, I would surely have gone insane."

The Bishop thought a moment, then said "I guess that is understandable considering..."

With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop said, "well, I really shouldn't but...Yes, that would be nice. I think I will, but just this once."

The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Hey Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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A guy goes into the confessional box.

He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: It's a good thing church members have a good sense of horrors ..

  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
  • Don't let worry kill you off let the Church help.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM prayer and medication to follow.
  • This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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A pious man, who had reached the age of 105...

... suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him.

Submitted by Jon, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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The following statements about the bible were written by children.

  • In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
  • Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. 
  • Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
  • Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
  • The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
  • Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
  • Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
  • Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients
  • The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
  • The first commandments was when eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
  • Moses died before he ever reached Canada . then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.
  • The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  • David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
  • Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  • When Mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  • When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
  • Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  • St. john the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
  • Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
  • It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  • The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
  • The Epistels were the wives of the apostles.
  • One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.
  • St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
  • Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed!
 

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During a visit to a foreign county the Pope met with its President. 

Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.

Finally, a weary the President emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, the President just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed?.

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field.

Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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