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| A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said... ...,
"Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of
baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| There once was a rich man who was near death.
He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take
some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and
places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.
Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed
one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought blocks for the pavement?"
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A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to
the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
Submitted by Pastor Jon, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| One day the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting... ...
of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened. The rain poured
down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and
useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! and thin no more!"
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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| Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another... ...
and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were. The first nun says,
"My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."
The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking.
Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."
The third just sits there quietly.
So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."
The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn ... ... and
stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed ... ... a member of the
congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to take over the service and went to talk to Bernie.
"What are doing here with a dog?"
"The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"It's true," says Bernie.
"I don't believe you. You are just fooling around and that's not a proper thing to do in a synagogue."
"Its really true," says Bernie.
"OK," says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK," says Bernie nodding to the dog. The dog opens up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (and puts them on) and prayer book and then starts saying prayers in Hebrew!
The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog
would consider going to Rabbinical school?"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "You talk to him, he wants to be a doctor!"
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| A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service ...
...for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, that was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my
tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where
I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered
around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory'! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never
preached before from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before, and I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Submitted by Tim, Orland, Fla.
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| In a small mid-western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building... ... to
open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.
Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for
the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church, in its reply to the court, vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it
appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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| A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message.
It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the
whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a
little pane. And..."
It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.
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| A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country.
He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden
telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign that read, "$10,000 per minute."
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price,
he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United
States, he found more such phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.
Finally, the man arrived in the great state of Texas. Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 25
cents"!? Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and
that I could use it to talk to God.... But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call.
....Why is that?
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in Texas now! and it's a local call."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England |
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Go to set: 1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, 8 |
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