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A leader in a Christian Science church...

... was talking to a member of his congregation: "And how is your husband today?"

"I'm afraid he's very ill."

"No, no," corrected the leader, "You really shouldn't say that - you should say that he's under the impression that he's very ill."

The woman nods in agreement, "Yes, I'll remember next time."

A few weeks later the leader saw the woman again. "And how is your husband at the moment?"

"Well", she replied, "he's under the impression that he's dead!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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An Atheist accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?"

The preacher has no time to reply.

"Well itís a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgment, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!"

"Well thank God for that" replied the preacher!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Oscar, a German from North Dakota was an older, single gentleman...

... who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of OscarŪs neighborsŪ were Catholic and since it was Lent, they were prohibited from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Oscar, and suggested that Oscar convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Oscar attended Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over Oscar he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."

Oscar's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Oscar's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Oscar, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Oscar, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye."

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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Some signs that the church choir you are going to direct is not so good.
  • Quarantine sign on choir room.
  • Nine of the organist's fingers are bandaged up due to arthritis.
  • None of the sopranos can sing higher that the altos.
  • All of the basses sing higher than the altos.
  • The altos cannot sing at all.
  • All of the music is dated B.C. (Before Caesar)
  • The organ is beautiful, its wood tone matches the interior of the church and has been out of order since the 1930's.
  • The replacement for the organ is a hurdy-gurdy c.1902.
  • The minister only wants to hear one song, "Abide With Me" and he is tone-deaf.
  • The congregation, also tone deaf, likes "Abide With Me", they also like Grand Ol' Opry songs and George Beverly Shea as a modern singer.
  • All of the choir members who could sing converted to Judaism and moved to Haifa.
  • All of the members from other churches who couldn't sing moved into your church.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
 

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Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day...

..., and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation...

... turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer.

So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.

"However, you sent us some golf pencils... each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Things You Never Hear In Church - take 2
  • Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
  • I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
  • I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
  • Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
  • I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
  • Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
  • Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
  • Iíve decided to cook the prime rib to serve at the potluck supper.
  • The ministerís old mini-van has served him long enough. Letís buy him a new Lexus SUV.
  • For the pastorís sake, let put all of the sick parishioners in the same hospital.
  • Wow! This church accepts VISA and Mastercard!
  • Letís park in the back of the lot, so those older people can get a parking place near the door!
  • I donít care if the pro football game has started. I want to hear the end of this sermon!
  • Everyone has turned his pledge cards in early!
  • The trustees have reported that everything is in fine working order and nothing needs to be replaced.
  • The choir is so good that I am going to donate money for their next three anthem copies.
  • I donít care what race or gender the new minister is, what the Lord provides is completely okay with me!

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
 

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The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole...

... when a tall, stately, gray haired gentleman approached and asked if he could join him.

The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The tall, stately gentleman said, 'We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?'

The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we're pretty even so far, so why not?

The stately gentleman played 'straight & true' golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The priest said, 'You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.'

The pro said, 'Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'

The priest said, 'Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.'

Submitted by Aunt Pat, Smith Mountain Lake, Va.
 

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The Lord Is My Shepherd
  • A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.' (This is my personal favourite!)
     
  • The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.' 'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
     
  • A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?' The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
     
  • During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
     
  • A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 'Yes, sir,' the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'
     
  • When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
     
  • Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother. 'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.' 'That's at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites."

"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Submitted by Cyndi, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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Things You Never Hear in Church
  • Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
  • I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
  • Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
  • I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
  • I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
  • Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
  • I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
  • Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
  • Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
  • Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

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A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said...

..., "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought blocks for the pavement?"
 

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A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

Submitted by Pastor Jon, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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One day the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting...

... of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened. The rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! and thin no more!"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another...

... and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were. The first nun says,

"My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."

The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking.

Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."

The third just sits there quietly.

So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."

The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn ...

... and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed ...

... a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to take over the service and went to talk to Bernie.

"What are doing here with a dog?"

"The dog came here to pray."

"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.

"It's true," says Bernie.

"I don't believe you. You are just fooling around and that's not a proper thing to do in a synagogue."

"Its really true," says Bernie.

"OK," says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."

"OK," says Bernie nodding to the dog. The dog opens up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (and puts them on) and prayer book and then starts saying prayers in Hebrew!

The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school?"

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "You talk to him, he wants to be a doctor!"
 

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A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service ...

...for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, that was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where

I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory'! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Submitted by Tim, Orland, Fla.
 

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In a small mid-western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building...

... to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church, in its reply to the court, vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message.

It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."

It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.
 

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A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country.

He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign that read, "$10,000 per minute."

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.

Finally, the man arrived in the great state of Texas. Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 25 cents"!? Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God.... But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call.

....Why is that?

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in Texas now! and it's a local call."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

Go to set: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

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