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G.W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, " No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse".

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "how about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Submitted by Brian, Idaho Falls, Idaho

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Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. 

Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Love you lots. Osama

Submitted by Vicki, Kennet Square, Pa.

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Osama bin Laden, was not feeling particularly well . . .

. . . and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, she finds the answer:

"You will die on an American holiday."

"Which one," bin Laden asks, nervously.

"It makes no difference," she replied. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday."

Submitted by Cassie, Littlestown, Pa.

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Bin Laden one liners . . . 

Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: What does Osama bin Laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Submitted by Marianna, Columbia, Md.

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Dear Abby, My husband is a lying cheat.  . . .

. . . He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. 

He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him.

Every time he gets caught, he denies it all.  Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.  This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.

Signed Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

You should dump him. Now that you are a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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How different forms of government look at Cow Ownership
  • BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
  • BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
  • CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull which you use to breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the area. Then you start exporting sperm from the bull to emerging markets. After several years of expansion, your company issues an IPO to be listed on the NYSE. The SEC eventually intends legal proceedings against you and your spouse for insider trading. After a lengthy court battle, you are found guilty and sentenced to 10 years in prison, of which you actually serve 7 weeks. When you come out of prison, you buy 2 chickens. Then,....
  • HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.
  • ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have 2 cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
  • FEMINISM: You have 2 cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
  • TOTALITARIANISM: Your have 2 cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
  • POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongerism, intolerant past) 2 differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unspecified gender.
  • COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like ... these 2 cows, man. You got to have some of this milk!
  • SURREALISM: You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
  • LIBERTY: Whatever. 

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God," and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth; "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people".

God continued, pointing to different countries; "This one will be extremely hot and arid, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass with a great bay and said, "What's that place called?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Maryland, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful, green fields, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Maryland are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in Washington, DC."

Submitted by Pat, Blue lake, Va.

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A quick illustration of the basic problem of US government . . .
  • Pythagorean theorem: 24 Words
  • Archimedes' Principle: 67 Words
  • The 10 Commandments: 179 Words
  • The U. S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 Words

Submitted by Jon, Miamisburg, Oh.

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George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died.

Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial timespace continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

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More Bush'ism: "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." 
  • "Actually, I this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000
  • "I think we agree, the past is over." On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000
  • "Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometime until we get an objective analysis." Meet the Press, April 15, 2000
  • "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California." Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000
  • "We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations; their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there's not this kind of federal cufflink." Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee, March 30, 2000
  • "The fact that he relies on facts says things that are not factual are going to undermine his campaign." New York Times, March 4, 2000
  • "It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature." Los Angeles, Feb. 23, 2000
  • "I understand small business growth. I was one." New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000
  • "The senator has got to understand if he's going to have he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000
  • "If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign." Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000
  • "How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?" Explaining the need for educational accountability, Beaufort, S.C., Feb.16, 2000
  • "We ought to make the pie higher." South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000
  • "I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less, I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm more interacting with people." Meet The Press, Feb. 13, 2000
  • "I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth." Nashua, N.H., as quoted by Gail Collins, New York Times, Feb. 1, 2000
  • "The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." Pella, Iowa, as quoted in the San Antonio Express News, Jan. 30, 2000"
  • "Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000
  • "This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." Speaking during Perseverance Month at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H.
  • "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000
  • "This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses." At a South Carolina oyster roast; quoted in the Financial Times, 1/14/2000
  • "We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself." At a South Carolina oyster roast; quoted in the Financial Times, Jan. 14, 2000
  • "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
  • "There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There needs to be town hall meetings. There needs to be travel. This is a huge country." Larry King Live, Dec. 16, 1999
  • "The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?" Answering a question about why he hasn't spent more time in New Hampshire; quoted in the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999
  • "Keep good relations with the Grecians." Quoted in the Economist, June 12, 1999
  • "I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating." U.S. News & World Report, April 3, 2000

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In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. 

After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thought "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

Bill Clinton thought "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

George Bush thought "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again".

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic . . .

. . .  and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the holdup?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far about three hundred gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

Submitted by Stas, Biglerville, Pa.

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Literal translations of some of George W. Bush's more popular Texas colloquialisms . . .
  • The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving: Not overly-intelligent
  • As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party: Self-explanatory.
  • Tighter than bark on a tree: Not very generous.
  • All hat, no cattle: All talk and no action
  • We've howdied but we ain't shook yet: We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.
  • He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow: He has a pretty high opinion of himself.
  • She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth: That woman can talk.
  • It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs: We really could use a little rain around here.
  • Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly: Appearances can be deceptive.
  • This ain't my first rodeo: I've been around awhile.
  • He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch: Not the most handsome of men.
  • They ate supper before they said grace: Living in sin.
  • Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope: Stop arguing and do as you're told.
  • As full of wind as a corn-eating horse: Rather prone to boasting.
  • You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make them biscuits: You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. 

He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope... Due to inflation, constant down-sizing, layoffs, a shakey stock market, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So... What'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace in the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, the rest of those women, and now that mess I got myself into with Hugh, Roger, and those two rich babes and "Money for Pardons." See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife, Hillary. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger, a liar, and an out and out crook. They think she's mean, ugly, has a couple bowling pins for legs, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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The Democrat's Anthem
  • Tax his land, tax his wage,
  • Tax his bed in which he lays.
  • Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
  • Teach him taxes is the rule.
  • Tax his cow, tax his goat,
  • Tax his pants, tax his coat.
  • Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
  • Tax his work, tax his dirt.
  • Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
  • Teach him taxes are no joke.
  • Tax his car, tax his ass
  • Tax the roads he must pass.
  • Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
  • Tax him if he tries to think.
  • Tax his booze, tax his beers,
  • If he cries, tax his tears.
  • Tax his bills, tax his gas,
  • Tax his notes, tax his cash.
  • Tax him good and let him know
  • That after taxes, he has no dough.
  • If he hollers, tax him more,
  • Tax him until he's good and sore.
  • Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
  • Tax the sod in which he lays.
  • Put these words upon his tomb,
  • "Taxes drove me to my doom!"
  • And when he's gone, we won't relax,
  • We'll still be after the inheritance TAX

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Political Philosophies Explained in Simple "Two Cow" Terms
  • Socialism: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
  • Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
  • Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
  • Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
  • Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
  • Corporate: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead.
  • Democracy: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.  

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