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An interview between a female broadcaster of National Public Radio and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to do with these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "Don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Submitted by Joni, Columbia, Md.

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After many years of illness, Ronald Reagan was very ill and it appeared that he might not pull through. 

Obviously, Nancy and the rest of the family were at his side, as well as the family minister. Knowing that his time might be short, they asked if there was anything he wanted.

"Yes," he replied, "I'd like very much to have Bill and Hillary Clinton at my side before I go."

They were all amazed at this request and several assumed his memory was failing even worse than they had suspected. Regardless, they went ahead and forwarded his request to the former first family.

Within hours, the former president and first lady arrived at his bedside, courtesy of the loan of Air Force One. For a time, no one said anything. Bill and Hillary stood, one on each side of the bed, and were touched and flattered that Ron would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also puzzled - obviously they were of different political parties and had thrown barbs in one another's direction over the years. Why not George H. W. Bush, G.W. Bush or some of Reagan's many Hollywood friends? He had never given the Clintons any indication he particularly liked either of them. Finally, Bill spoke up and asked, "Mr. President, why did you chose the two of us to be at your bedside at this critical moment?"

The former president mustered up some strength and said very weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves ... and that's how I want to go, too."

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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. 

So he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send the letter to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note, which read:

"Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC and as usual those bastards deducted $95.00 in taxes."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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President George Bush visited an elementary school . . .

. . . and he visited one of the 4th grade classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy."

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the President. "That's what we would call a "GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic," exclaimed Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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President "W" Bush gets an invite from the Queen to come and visit her in England. 

One afternoon when drinking tea, he asks her what's the secret of her success? She tells him that she relies on her people a lot and therefore she must be certain that they are intelligent. She decides to show him exactly what she means and phones Tony Blair. "Now listen carefully, Mr. Bush. I'm going to ask Mr. Blair a question to determine his intelligence." On the phone she says, "Oh hello Mr. Blair, I have a question for you. Your mother has a child, and your father has a child. This child is not one of your brothers and is not one of your sisters. Who is he?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me."

"Correct. Thank you, Bye" said the Queen and she hangs up.

"Did you get that Mr. Bush?"

"Yes'm. Thanks a lot! I'll definitely be using that!"

Once back in the US he decides that he has doubts about some Republicans and he's going to ask them the question. He arranges a meeting with Jesse Helms, the Senator from North Carolina and asks him, "Mr.. Helms, I know you're the Chair of the Foreign Relations Committee, and I need to trust your judgment. I have a question for you. "

"Anything to stimulate the mind of this old Southerner," Helms responds.

"Uhh, your mother has a child. And your father has a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" asks Bush.

Helms thinks. And he thinks. Then he responds, "Umm, Y'all must gimme some time to think about it."

Bush decides to give him a day to come up with the correct answer. That afternoon, Helms calls a meeting to discuss the question and get an answer. But NOBODY knows! They've drawn up a Jesse Helms family tree, to no avail. The next morning, he realizes that he has to give G Dub an answer and as a last resort, he decides to phone Colin Powell.

"Colin, Your mother has a child, and your father has a child. It is not your brother, and not your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "Hey, Jesse, it's me of course, you dumb Cracker!"

Helms rushes to Bush's office, very impressed to know the answer to such a difficult question! "Mr. Bush, I know! I know who it is! It is Colin Powell!"

"No, you dumb Idiot. It's Tony Blair!"

Submitted by Neal, Kennet Square, Pa.

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A political talk radio program asked its audience to come up with an official name for the Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, New York

The call-in contest required the names to be in relative good taste, original, and should capture the essence of one or both of the Clintons. The response was overwhelming! Some names nominated for the Clinton's new home included:

  • Perjurers' Palace
  • HillBilly Villa
  • The House of Bill's Repute
  • Drawers Downs
  • Cheatem Estates
  • Sin Simeon
  • The Knee Pad
  • The White Trash House
  • The Blight House
  • The Panderosa Liars' Lair
  • Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast
  • The Clinton Compost
  • Dogpatch on the Hudson
  • The Hen House
  • The Out House
  • The Love Shack
  • The House of Seven Felonies
  • Motel Sex

But the clear, hands-down winner was...


Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven. "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh... Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.

"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but

you can't call it 'dope smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual

relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to "abandon all hope," just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Submitted by John, Upton, Long Island

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A man goes to the White House and asks to see President Clinton...

The Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton isn't President, and to please leave. The man goes away.

The next day he comes back to the White House and asks to see
President Clinton. The marine on duty reminds him that Clinton is not President, and to please go away.

The man goes away. The next day, he comes back again, and again the same Marine is on duty. The man asks to see President Clinton, and the Marine, his patience worn out, says, "WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE ASKING FOR HIM? CLINTON IS NOT PRESIDENT ANYMORE!!!"

The man smiles and says, "I know, I just like hearing it."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. 

Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very life-like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.

He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting, he began walking faster.

But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could.  Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man.

"I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street . . .

. . . when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him

come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave him fifty dollars.

It took me years to figure out the real differences between Democrats and Republicans and this little story says it all.

Submitted by Alex, Kalispell, Mt.

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President Bush has nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General.

"I think Dr. Lecter will serve with pride, fava beans, and a nice Chianti," Bush announced.

In another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She's expected to work closely with the new Surgeon General on a case concerning missing former Vice President Al Gore. President Bush had recently arranged a meeting between Gore and Lecter.

Lecter was the last person to see Gore before Gore's sudden disappearance in early January. Lecter noted that he, "enjoyed having Gore for dinner," but was upset at how Gore, or, rather the *subject* of Gore kept "coming up." "I'm sick to my stomach over this," Lecter said.

President Bush didn't seem concerned with the disappearance of his rival for the office. "I think it's all been ‘passed’ by now."

Submitted by Alex, Kalispell, Mt.

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Another political retread . . . Lunch with the President

Bush and Cheney are having lunch at a diner near the White House. Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says "Honey, could I have a quickie?" Of course, she's horrified!

She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you," and she marches off.

Cheney leans over and says "George, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE' ".

Submitted by June, Unionville, Pa.

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Wondering how long it would take before the old political jokes were updated . . . wait no more . . .

George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened. On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington's ghost.

Bush asked the ghost, "President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised Washington.

With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn't sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government," Jefferson answered.

Bush still couldn't sleep well, so much later, on the same; night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country" Bush asked.

Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."

Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Calif.  

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Bush's acceptance speed (first draft)

My fellow Americans, it's about time.

All you liberals can just kiss my big, Texas rear-end if you think I'm gonna spew a boatload of bipartisan bulldung. Let's set the record straight here. I won. Heckl, I won FOUR OR FIVE TIMES, you stupid idiots!.

We got the Presidency, we got Congress, and by the end of four years we'll have even more of the Supreme Court. The Republicans are here, and we're gonna show you how it's done.

Ya'll want me to reach across party lines now? How 'bout I reach across and horse-whip all your sorry-liberal-monkey-butts? How'dya like that?

Don't get me wrong, here. The sense of satisfaction I'm feeling right now isn't that I've won - it's that I won't have to listen to Al Gore bitch and moan about "letting every vote count". The only reason this went as far as it did is because you Democrats have a playground crybaby as your poster-boy, and I for one am glad I won't have to see him on TV anymore. This might sound snippy, Mr. Gore, but as we used to say in the sandlot...LOSERS WALK!!!

As I said in my campaign, I promised to be a president who focuses on education. My first task as President will be to start an educational program for all you Florida-idiots who can't tell if you poked a stylus through the right hole. 

Until then, I want to ask you just one question: "Who's yer daddy???"

And so I humbly accept the office of President of these United States.

Thank you.

Submitted By Marianne, Columbia, Md. (Is anyone other then me getting the idea Marianne is a card carrying democrat?)

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Actual Bush Quotes:
  • "Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning."
  • "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
  • "I think we agree, the past is over."
  • "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."
  • "I understand small business growth. I was one."
  • "We ought to make the pie higher."
  • "This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve."
  • "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
  • "The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?"
  • "When it is all said and done, I will have made more money than I ever dreamed I would make."

Submitted By Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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The Ballad of George W. -  (I think you all know the tune)

Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.

Y'all come vote now. Ya hear?

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Congress Passes Americans with No Abilities Act

WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses. "Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees. Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"

"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."

Submitted by Mary, Charlottesville, Va.

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You have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Al Gore

We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Al Gore in the Washington, DC Hall of Fame. However, we were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Al Gore could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 5,000 years later Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now, Al Gore is going to steal your shovels, tax your asses, raise the price of your camels, and mortgage the Promised Land. If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Thank You, Al Gore Monument Committee

PS The committee has raised approx. $1.35 (maybe more -- we're recounting)!

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.   

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