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Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers...

... that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.' The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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 A group of refugees from Somalia arrive in Australia...

..., and after processing are allowed to wander in the streets of one of our sun-drenched, safe, hospitable cities.  They cannot believe how wonderful it all is, so, in their limited English, they stop a passerby and thank him for allowing then into his country.

ďNot mine, ďhe replies, ďIím from new Zealand.Ē

A bit puzzled, they say the same thing to the next pedestrian, who tells them that heís an aborigine, and  itís not his country any more.

Then a huge woman from Tonga laughs at them, saying not to worry whose country it is, everythingís free. Refugees get all they need from the government.

The next person explains heís from Africa, itís not his country either, but it is true everything seems to be free for refugees. Finally they ask a very elderly woman, who admits she is Australian, and lives on the pension. When they tell her that sheís the first Australian theyíve met, apart from the officials, and ask here where the young people are, she tells them theyíre either at work, looking for work, looking to score, and would they themselves be interested in some home-grown hash?

Itís a great country

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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The Conservative Palinguage Guide
  • If youíre a minority and youíre selected for a job over more qualified candidates youíre a "token hire."
  • If youíre a conservative and youíre selected for a job over more qualified candidates youíre a "game changer."
     
  • If you live in an Urban area and you get a girl pregnant youíre a "baby daddy."
  • If youíre the same in Alaska youíre a "teen father." (Actually, according to your own MySpace page youíre an Fín redneck that donít want any kids, but thatís too long a phrase for the evil liberal media to take out of context and flog morning noon and night).
     
  • Black teen pregnancies? A "crisis" in black America.
  • White teen pregnancies? A "blessed event."
     
  • If you grow up in Hawaii youíre "exotic."
  • Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, youíre the quintessential "American story."
     
  • Similarly, if you name you kid Barack youíre "unpatriotic."
  • Name your kid Track, youíre "colorful."
     
  • If youíre a Democrat and you make a VP pick without fulling vetting the individual youíre "reckless."
  • A Republican who doesnít fully vet is a "maverick."
     
  • If you say that for the "first time in my adult lifetime Iím really proud of my country" it makes you "unfit" to be First Lady.
  • If you are a registered member of a fringe political group that advocates secession that makes you "First Dude."
     
  • A DUI from twenty years ago is "old news."
  • A speech given without proper citation from twenty years ago is "relevant information."
     
  • If youíre a man and you decide to run for office despite your wifeís reoccurrence of cancer youíre a "questionable spouse."
  • If youíre a woman and you decide to run for office despite having five kids including a newborn with Downs SyndromeÖ Well, we donít know what that is Ďcause THATíS NOT A FAIR QUESTION TO ASK!
     
  • If you get 18 million people to vote for you in a national presidential primary, youíre a "phoney."
  • Get 100,000+ people to vote you governor of the 47th most populous state in the Union, youíre "well loved."
     
  •  If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to "get to know you."
  • If youíre white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to know youíre "one of us."
     
  • If you give your wife a dap on stage, itís actually a "terrorist fist jab."
  • If your daughter licks her palm so that she can slick down your youngest childís hair on national TV itís an "adorable moment." (Seriously, forget about abstinence only, teach these folks some grooming skills).
     
  • If your pastor rails against inequality in the United States of America, youíre an "extremist."
  • If your pastor welcomes a sermon by a member of Jews for Jesus who preaches that the killing of Jews by terrorists is a lesson to Jews that they must convert to Christianity, youíre a "fundamentalist."
     
  • If youíre a black man and you use a scholarship to get into college, then work your way up to being the president of the Harvard Law Review, youíre "uppity."
  • If youíre a conservative and your parents pay your way to Hawaii Pacific University . . . you only have four more schools to attend over the next five years before you somehow manage to graduate (it might be five more school over the next five years. No one has yet verified whether or not Palin was actually ever registered at the University of Hawaii at Hilo. But, you know how shady people are who ever attended any kind of school in Hawaii).
     
  • If you spend 18 months building a campaign around the theme of "Change," itís just "empty rhetoric." 
  • If one week before your partyís national convention you SUDDENLY make your candidacy about "Change," thatís "red meat."

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, Ny.
 

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Pending Legislation AWNAA Act

Washington, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,' said California Senator Barbara Boxer. 'We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favours to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.'

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?'

'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,' said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. 'This new law should be real good for people like me,' Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durban (D-IL): 'As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.'

Submitted by Dave from The People's Republic of Bolder, Co.
 

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I Have to Pass a Urine Test for My Job... So I Agree 100%.

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that pay check, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt, doing drugs, while I work. . . Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Something to think about: "How To Save the Government $5 Million!"

A president's pension currently is $191,300 per year, lasting until he is 80 years old.

Assuming the next president lives to age 80:

  1. Sen. McCain would receive ZERO pension, as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president.
  2. Sen. Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms, so would receive $4,973,800 in pension.

Therefore, it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in November.

Now, how's that for non-partisan thinking???

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl the other day.

 I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, "I want to be President!" Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were standing there. So then I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless people."

"Wow - what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house."

Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds. While her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md
 

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Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic Hunters/gatherers.

They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and 2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had been invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get something for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

Submitted by my Little Brother Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Irish outlook on election

We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you have a lawyer who is married to a lawyer.

On the other side,

you have a war hero married to a good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What are you lads thinking over there?

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola Fl.
 

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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate...

... is for banning all guns in America . He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.

Then, little Bobby Joe, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant...

... who inspected his Marines and told the 'Gunny' that they smelled bad.

The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately'.

He went into the barracks and said, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear.

Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it'.

The moral:

A candidate may promise change in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed
 

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The Truth is at hand. Words of greater wisdom here
  • Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain
  • I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -Winston Churchill
  • A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -.George Bernard Shaw
  • A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man ....which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -G Gordon Liddy
  • Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
  • Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
  • Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
  • Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801- 1850)
  • Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986)
  • I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers
  • If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'Rourke
  • In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764)
  • Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)
  • No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)
  • Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. - Unknown
  • The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald Reagan
  • The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill
  • The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain
  • The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820- 1903)
  • There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. - Mark Twain
  • What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
  • A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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How To Tell if your favorite congressman is crooked...
  • When you shake hands with him, two of your fingers are suddenly missing.
  • He has an off shore corporation based in the Bahamas that supposed to sell bananas.
  • Instead of calling him "congressman" his employees call him "boss".
  • He has a wife at home, another in D.C., a maid, a housekeeper, a college intern, an out of college intern, and three more secretaries than he needs.
  • He has a house in your district, but he never lives there, and one in Las Vegas, another in Costa Rica, another in D.C., another in Spain.
  • Everyone pays him--the gardener, the garbageman, the cable guy, the local councilman, the mayor, the CEO from the airline, his mistress, his dog and the goldfish.
  • The only way he gets to talk before the television cameras is if he is indicted.
  • At roll call, he always seems to be on a foreign junket.
  • Everyone else pays his bills.
  • His pictures appear in his district at election time, but he can never make those debates that he scheduled.
  • His dog is named "Bugsy".
  • All of his real estate holdings pay no taxes.
  • His apartment buildings are run down and need of attention.
  • His daughter and son are running for student council, and Dad is supporting them with a ticker tape parade down the school hallway.
  • His guest list at his parties include labor leaders, politicians,
  • Miss America winners, Miss Universe Winners, some business men with lots of money and nobody from the press.
  • His suits come from Paris instead of "Suit Bargain Express".
  • His headquarters is in a high-rise.
  • He never looks straight at you when he shakes your hand.
  • After he does so, you notice that your rings are missing.
  • His fillings in his mouth are now made of gold.
  • His wife is driving his old Cadillac. His mistress is driving the new Lexus, and she is driving him.
  • He has pictures of well-known politicians on his wall-with names such as "Lucky" and "Big Jim" and "Shifty".
  • He spends more time in Las Vegas than he does in Washington.
  • You only see him in the district around election time.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
 

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Todayís youth are getting the opportunity to vote in their very first national election.

Here are some tips to help them:

  • There are two political parties that dominate the electoral process, known as Democratic and Republican. Parties that you used to go to at Rocky Topís Bar, is not part of the current political scene.
  • You vote by ballot at a polling place, you donít have to raise your hand and ask, "may I?" to get a ballot. If you are registered, they will let you have one.
  • * Girls, only one person at a time in a voting booth. This isnít the ladies room. There is no mirror in there.
  • Instead of a listed candidate for an office, you can write-in your own choice. Just make sure it isnít a rap starís name from Harlem, or a deejay from Malibu that you put in as a joke. The listed candidates are funny enough.
  • Contrary to popular opinion, you do not have to memorize the listing of candidates before you vote. This isnít a civics or constitution test. It isnít a test of your intelligence unless you voted for a cartoon character from an old Disney movie. Then they know that you havenít any intelligence.
  • Some voting booths have "touch screens" to electronically register your choices. But it isnít a video game and donít search for "Monsters from Nara" or "Batmanís Fantasy Shootout" on a side screen.
  • Donít call the elderly election judge "pops". Nobody has done that since 1940. Also, the poll watchers outside are not spies from China.
  • No cussing at the candidates names when you are in the voting booth. You should have done all of your cussing before you arrived and during the campaign. Itís only after the election is over is when you finally realize that you voted in imbeciles.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
 

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Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency

Washington, DC -- March 29, 2008

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of April 1, 2008. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 7 years. It is anticipated that $231 billion can be saved to the end of the President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Ms Rice was present to explain the email to him.

Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will assume the office of President as of April 1, 2008. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY. Thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India , he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President of something."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President Bush has never had a clue either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.

WalMart has expressed interest in him as a greeter position. This position was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his vacant smile.

P.S. Vice President Dick Cheney will be taken on a quail hunting trip by a group of homeless people for his last day on the job.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
 

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