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Tired of his low approval ratings, the President called up the head of the CIA...

... and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."

Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The president said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.

"So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"

The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.

The president said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, then, express the will of the people," the president ordered.

So the agent stood up, made a fist, and punched him in the nose.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Oprah Winfrey goes to Dr. Phil and confides in him:

"I just can't seem to keep my weight down," she sobs. "I've tried Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, Hollywood, Atkins, and a thousand other diets and none of them have lasting results. I've even tried hypnotherapy, acupuncture, & coffee enemas and still no success. Can you help me?"

Dr. Phil says: "I think I can help you, but first there's something I need to check out. Take off all of your clothes and get down on your hands and knees."

Having tried all other remedies and not wanting to show her lack of faith in the Doc, she obeys, strips down to her B'day suit and plops down on the floor.

"Now crawl over by the fireplace and hold that position for 5 minutes." says the Doc.

He stares at her from many different angles and then finally says, "Okay, Get Dressed and come back tomorrow."

The next day, Oprah comes back and Dr Phil gives her the same instructions, but this time he has her crawl over by a plant and hold the position for 5 minutes.

"Again he walks around the room looking at her from all angles and rubbing his chin in deep thought. After 5 minutes he has her get dressed and tells her to come back the following day.

This goes on for three more days and Oprah has stripped and crawled by the French doors, the throw rug, the desk and she's getting pretty steamed about now. She finally gets dressed and says:

"Look Doc, I've tried lots of crazy stuff in my life to lose weight, but how is crawling around naked on your floor going to help me lose weight"?

Dr. Phil rubs his chin and says: "Oh it won't, but I'm buying an overstuffed black leather sofa for my office and I wanted to see where it would look best."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY

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I was traveling in 'Blue State' when a tire on my car blew out.

Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.

My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, 'Need a lift?'

'Yes, I sure do,' I replied.

'You a Republican or Democrat,' asked the old man.

'Republican,' I replied.

'Well, you can just go to Hell,' yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.

Again, I gave the same answer, 'Republican.'

The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.

She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.

'Democrat!', I shouted.

'Hop in!', replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, 'Please stop the car.'

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.

'What's the matter?', she asked.

'I can't take it anymore,' I replied. 'I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody!!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear." Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your mother?" ;

"No," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant!

She is furious. Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her.

She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!"

Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

Submitted by Chris, Emmitsburg, Md.

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In a news conference Deanna Favre, wife of Green Bay Packer ...

... future Hall of Fame quarterback Brett Favre, announced she will be the starting QB for the Packers this coming Sunday.

She claimed she is qualified to be starting QB because she has spent the past 16 years married to Brett while he played QB for the Packers. Because of this she understands how to pick up a corner blitz and knows the terminology of the Packers offense.  A poll of Packers fans shows that 50% of those polled supported the move.

Does this sound idiotic and unbelievable to you?

Yet Hillary Clinton makes the same claims as to why she is qualified to be President and 50% of democrats polled agreed.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed.

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Why Ronald Reagan made such a great president ...
  • 'Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.'
  • 'The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'
  • 'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's
  • just that they know so much that isn't so.'
  • 'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.'
  • 'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.'
  • 'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.'
  • 'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.'
  • 'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.'
  • 'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.'
  • 'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.'
  • 'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'
  • 'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable
  • as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'
  • 'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.'

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: 'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?'

The survey was a huge failure because...

  • In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
  • In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
  • In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
  • In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
  • In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
  • In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
  • In the US they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed

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A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day ...

... and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

WASHINGTON , DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation which will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing"

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees.

The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled--banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan , due to her lack of any discernible job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy: "As a Senator With No Abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Top 10 Signs Your Presidential Candidate is Under-Qualified
  • Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
  • Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing".
  • His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy".
  • Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
  • Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
  • Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
  • At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?"
  • Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
  • Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
  • On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a lifeline.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's ..

...great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:

'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

And THAT is how it's done folks!

Submitted by Don, Bethesda, Md.

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A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced ...

... that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking for work."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House...

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!

How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"DONE!" Replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how it works.

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening..

... when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine to me!"

"My God, what had you told them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.

The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine.

Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch. When she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst. Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that some of the dwarfs had survived. "Hello, hello," she called. "Can anyone hear me? Hello"

For quite a while there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White called again, "Hello. Is anyone down there?" Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep in the mine.

The voice said, "Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."

Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed out, "Oh, thank God... Dopey is still alive."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Go to page 14 of Political Jokes

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