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Here's a little test for anyone over 40+ !  
  1. "Cookie; Kookie. Lend me your ________________."
  2. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was "Turn on; tune in;________________."
  3. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." What did he leave behind?________________.
  4. Folk songs were played side by side with rock and roll. One of the most memorable folk songs included these lyrics: "When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out your window and I'll be gone. You're the reason I'm
  5. A group of protesters arrested at the Democratic convention in Chicago in 1968 achieved cult status, and were known as the ________________.
  6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the ________________________show.
  7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning our _____________.
  8. We all learned to read using the same books. We read about the thrilling lives and adventures of Dick and Jane. What was the name of Dick and Jane's dog?______
  9. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk (what there was of it) in the front, was called the VW. What other name(s)did it go by? _______________ & ________________
  10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names the ___________and the ____________.
  11. In the seventies, we called the dropout nonconformists "hippies." But in the early sixties, they were known as ________________.
  12. William Bendix played Chester A. Riley, who always seemed to get the short end of the stick in the television program, "The Life of Riley." At the end of each show, poor Chester would turn to the camera and exclaim, "What a ________."
  13. "Get your kicks, ________________."
  14. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed________________."
  15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis a special way:________________.
  16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."
  17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller - the one that contained all the "dirty" dialogue - was called _________.
  18. Today, the math geniuses in school might walk around with a calculator strapped to their belts. But back in the sixties, members of the math club used a _________.
  19. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about "the day the music died." This was a reference and tribute to _______________.
  20. A well-known television commercial featured a driver who was miraculously lifted through thin air and into the front seat of convertible. The matching slogan was "Let Hertz ________________."
  21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the________________.
  22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best _____________________."
  23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style of Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe gave way to the "trim" look, as first exemplified by British model ________________.
  24. Sachmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill. " Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ________________.
  25. On Jackie Gleason's variety show in the sixties, one of the most popular segments was "Joe, the Bartender." Joe's regular visitor at the bar was that slightly off- center, but lovable character, _______________.(The character's name, not the actor's.)
  26. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it; it was called ____________.
  27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?__________.
  28. One of the big fads of the late fifties and sixties was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it was called the ________________.
  29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the mainstream in the Broadway musical ______________.
  30. This is a two-parter: Red Skelton's hobo character (not the hayseed, the hobo) was ________________. Red ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and ________________."

The Answers:

    "Kookie; Kookie; lend me your comb."

  1. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was "Turn on; tune in; drop out." Many people who proclaimed that 30 years ago today are Wall Street bond traders and corporate lawyers.
  2. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. Several of you said he left behind his mask. Oh, no; even off the screen, Clayton Moore would not be seen as the Lone Ranger without his mask!
  3. "When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out your window and I'll be gone. You're the reason I'm traveling on; Don't think twice, it's all right."
  4. The group of protesters arrested at the Democratic convention in Chicago in 1968 was known as the Chicago seven. As Paul Harvey says, "They would like me to mention their names."
  5. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the Ed Sullivan Show.
  6. Some who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning their draft cards. If you said "bras," you've got the right spirit, but nobody ever burned a bra while I was watching. The "bra burning" days came as a by-product of women's liberation movement which had nothing directly to do with the Vietnam war.
  7. Dick and Jane's dog was Spot. "See Spot run." Whatever happened to them? Rumor has it they have been replaced in some school systems by "Heather Has Two Mommies."
  8. It was the VW Beetle, or more affectionately, the Bug.
  9. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names the Sharks and the Jets. West Side Story.
  10. In the early sixties, the dropout, nonconformists were known as Beatniks. Maynard G. Krebs was the classic beatnik, except that he had no rhythm, man; a beard, but no beat.
  11. At the end of "The Life of Riley," Chester would turn to the camera and exclaim, "What a revolting development this is."
  12. "Get your kicks, on Route 66."
  13. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent."
  14. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis a special way:
  15. shaken, not stirred.
  16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight."
  17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller was called Tropic of Cancer. Today, it would get a PG-13 rating.
  18. Back in the sixties, members of the math club used a slide rule.
  19. "The day the music died" was a reference and tribute to Buddy Holly.
  20. The matching slogan was "Let Hertz put you in the driver's seat."
  21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick in a dance called the Limbo.
  22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best....chooo-c'late." In the television commercial, "chocolate" was sung by a puppet - a dog. (Remember his mouth flopping open and shut?)
  23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style gave way to the "trim" look, as first exemplified by British model Twiggy.
  24. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was Louis Armstrong.
  25. Joe's regular visitor at the bar was Crazy Googenhiem.
  26. The Russians put the first satellite into orbit; it was called Sputnik.
  27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? A Timex watch.
  28. The large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist was called the hula-hoop.
  29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the mainstream in the Broadway musical "Hair."
  30. Red Skelton's hobo character was Freddie the Freeloader. (Clem Kaddiddlehopper was the "hay seed.") Red ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and may God bless."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.
 

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Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered...
  • I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
  • When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All-Bran?
  • I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
  • All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
  • If all is not lost, where is it?
  • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  • The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
  • I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
  • Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
  • A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  • It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end.
  • It's hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven't been anywhere.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  • When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.
 

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Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it's me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Submitted by Debbie, Proud Wife of Paul, Middletown, Md.
 

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If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down Saddam ...

... But, I'm over 40 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early (to pee). If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps. They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...err...one." And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation. To wear pants without the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out, to learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.

These are all great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten cowards in Iraq. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes...!!!

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

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An old couple was sitting when the husband gets up and drives to the store.

He comes back with a puzzle and he dumps out all of the pieces on the table. a few days pass and the wife walks over and looks at her husband sitting at the table and she sees that he's in obvious joy over putting the entire puzzle together in a matter of days.

The man looks up at his wife and says: "look, I've put this mountain landscape puzzle together in five days!"

The wife asks: "what's so great about you putting a puzzle together in five days?"

The man looks up from the table and says: "well, the box says 4-7 years!"

Submitted by Jerry
 

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Some of your old favorites have re-released their greatest hits...

...with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.

Some examples:

  • Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
  • Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
  • Carly Simon - "You're So Varicose Vein"
  • Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
  • Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
  • Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
  • ABBA - "Denture Queen"
  • Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
  • Purple Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
  • Credence Clearwater Revival - "Bad Prune a-Rising"
  • The Who - "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
 

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Last year I replaced several windows in my house...

They were the expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and I had failed to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go 'round and 'round. I told him no one pulls a fast one on this old lady. Even though I am a senior citizen and used to be a blonde, doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid!

I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman told me last year...

"In one year they would pay for themselves!"

Submitted by Patty
 

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A little old man shuffled .........

......slowly........... into an ice cream parlor.

He pulled himself...............slowly............painfully...........up onto a stool.

After catching his breath..............................he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis".

Submitted by Vicki
 

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26 Signs That You've Already Grown Up
  • Your potted plants stay alive.
  • Even the thought of having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
  • You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  • 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
  • You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
  • You carry an umbrella because you watch the Weather Channel.
  • Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
  • You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
  • Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
  • You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
  • Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
  • You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
  • Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
  • You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
  • Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
  • You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
  • Dinner and a movie has become the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
  • MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
  • You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
  • A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
  • You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
  • Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ding Dongs.
  • I just can't drink the way I used to, replaces I'm never going to drink that much again.
  • Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  • You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
  • You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Submitted by Larry
 

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Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered...

  • I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
  • When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All-Bran?
  • I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
  • All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
  • If all is not lost, where is it?
  • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  • The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
  • I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
  • Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
  • A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  • It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end.
  • It's hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven't been anywhere.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  • When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.
 

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You Know your not a kid anymore
  • You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
  • You find yourself admiring a pair of pants at Sears.
  • You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.
  • You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You use the phrase "newfangled" in a sentence.
  • You have to introduce yourself at your class reunion...and you were the class president.
  • You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
  • You are proud of your lawnmower.
  • You start singing along with elevator music.
  • You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
  • An old lady offers you her seat on the bus.
  • You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
  • The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
  • 8am is your idea of sleeping in.
  • Your biggest concern when dancing is falling.
  • You have a dream about prunes.
  • People call you at 9 P.M. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
  • Your bathing suit has sleeves.
  • You play golf with your wife.
  • You've worn out the TV Guide by Thursday.
  • You don't like to drive after dark.
  • You have more than two spare pair of glasses.
  • You begin a sentence by saying, "When I was your age..."
  • You wear black socks with sandals.
  • You are alarmed at how young your doctor is.
  • Nobody ever tells you to "Slow Down!"
  • You name your hot water bottle.
  • You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
  • You floss.
  • Someone sees you naked and screams.
  • You don't dare go out on New Year's Eve.
  • You have seen Halley's Comet...twice.
  • You can't sit still without falling asleep.
  • People see your high school picture and laugh.
  • You look forward to taking a bath.
  • You find no humor in bladder control jokes.
  • If you're seen running, someone should call the police.
  • You get excited about jury duty.

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An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...

The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, CO.
 

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While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist ...

... I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1957."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked,

"What did you teach?"

Submitted by Judy, Fairfield, PA.
 

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During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying ...

... until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.

"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

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There are recent rumors that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP.

Ms. Andrews sang a favorite from the Sound of Music, Favorite Things.  There were a few changes to the words, to fit in with the AARP theme ...

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Submitted by Suse, Gettysburg, PA.
 

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Why God invented menopause ...

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother.

Soon, 10 minutes had passed and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"When it cries," she told them.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radioed in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Submitted by Patty, Ringoes, NJ

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