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To the kids who survived the 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's
  • First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
  • They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for diabetes.
  • Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
  • We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
  • As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
  • Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
  • We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
  • We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
  • We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing!
  • We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
  • No one was able to reach us all day. And we were o.k.
  • We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
  • We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, x-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no internet or internet chat rooms..........we had friends and we went outside and found them!
  • We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
  • We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever.
  • We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
  • Little league had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
  • The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. they actually sided with the law!
  • This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
  • The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
  • We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!

And you are one of them! Congratulations! Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
 

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Don't mess with seniors, especially when it comes to money

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
 

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Senior personal ads seen in Florida newspapers ...
  • Foxy Lady: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
  • Long-term Commitment: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
  • Serenity Now: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
  • Winning Smile: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
  • Beatles or Stones? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
  • Memories: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
  • Mint Condition: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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What A Grandmother Is:

A grandmother is a lady who has no children of her own, so she likes other people's little girls. A Grandfather is a man grandmother. He goes for walks with the boys, and they talk about fishing and tractors and like that.

Grandmas don't have to do anything excerpt be there. They're old, so they shouldn't play hard or run.It is enough if they drive us to market where the pretend horse is and have lots of dimes ready. Or if they take us for walks, they should slow down past pretty leaves and caterpillars. They should never, ever say "Hurry Up".

Usually they are fat, but not too fat to tie kids' shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take off their teeth and gums.

It is better if they don't typewrite, or play cards except with us. They don't have to be smart, only answer questions like why dogs hate cats and how come God isn't married. They don't talk baby talk like visitors do, because it is hard to understand. When they read to us they don't skip or mind if it is the same story again.

Everybody should try to have one, especially if you don't have television, because grandmas are the only grownups who have got time.

Submitted by Sandra
 

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An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car ...

...found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice: " I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.

They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back seat of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why .

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story doubled over on the floor with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. (ah, senior moments...)

Submitted by Dolly, Myersville, MD.
 

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Some reflections on aging:
  • Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
  • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
  • Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
  • How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
  • You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
  • I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
  • One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
  • Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
  • Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
  • If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
  • First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
  • Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft... Today, it's called golf.

Submitted by Dolly, Myersville, Md.
 

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Four widow ladies in a retirement home in Florida sitting outside, enjoying the day.

A new man walks up and says hello. One lady says "Are you new here?"

"Yes", he replied.

Another lady asks "Where did you live before you moved here?"

 "I was in federal prison".

The third lady asked "What were you in prison for?"

"I killed my wife", he said.

The fourth widow then remarked, "So, you're single?"

Submitted by Dariana, Germantown, MD.
 

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My husband is 67 years old and loves to fish ...

... He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'pick me up."

He looked around and could not see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again, "pick me up".

He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog. My husband said, "are you talking to me"?

The frog said, "yes, I'm talking to you, pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and will give you the most wonderful pleasures that you have ever dreamed of."

My husband looked at the frog for a short time and then reached over and picked it up carefully, placing it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "are you nuts, didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup ...

... and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer &that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight & out golfing up and down the fairways.

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead? The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning ... and that's why he's still alive ... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grand-father's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No ... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

Submitted by Don, Middletown, Md.
 

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Subject: Little old lady

George the preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied he ranted and raved for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still dissatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, why are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." "Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy ... I just outlived them all ...

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
 

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An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company.

So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog.  As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her and whispered , "Iím lonely too, buy me and you wont be sorry."

The old lady figured .... what the heck, she hadnít found anything else.  She bought the frog and put him in the car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "kiss me and you wont be sorry"

So the old lady figured What the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous young handsome prince.  The prince then kissed the old lady back ... and guess what the old lady turned into?

Come on Guess!!!

She turned into the first motel she could find ... She's old ... not dead!!!!!

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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The Perks of Being 50+
  • In a kidnap situation, the kidnappers are not interested in you.
  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  • No one expects you to run - anywhere.
  • People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Things you buy now won't wear out.
  • You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
  • You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
  • You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  • You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You sing along with elevator music.
  • Your eyes won't get much worse.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
  • You can't remember who sent you this list.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, CO.
 

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At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!" said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thank God we can all still drive."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

 

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Some of your old favorites have re-released their greatest hits... Take 2

...with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience ...

  • The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
  • The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
  • Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
  • Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
  • Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
  • ABBA - "Denture Queen"
  • Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"
  • Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
  • Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want! "
  • Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"

Some of your old favorites have re-released their greatest hits ... take 1

Submitted by John, Brookhaven, NY.
 

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Letter sent to the principal of a school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly ...

This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with ...

Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the Memphis County Home for the Aged.

My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your gift especially welcome.

My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I've known her. She listens to it all the time, though usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can't hear it. For some reason, she has never wanted to share it.

Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces, and caused her to cry. It was so sad. Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could listen to mine. I told her to pound sand and die!

God bless you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady.

Sincerely, Edna Johnson
 

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