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The comedian Steven Wright, once said: 

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

Here are some more of his gems:

  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Hard work pays off in the future: Laziness pays off now.
  • I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  • The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Submitted by Don, Middletown, Md.

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Rambling Thoughts from Debbie ...
  • I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
  • When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk".
  • Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  • My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
  • Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
  • If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
  • Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Submitted by ... you guessed it, Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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25 Things You Should Have Learned by Middle Age ...
  1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
  2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
  3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
  5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  8.  It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of pay checks.
  12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
  13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, MD.

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"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez
  • "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit" - Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance.
  • "Aim towards the Enemy" - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher.
  • When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. (U.S. Marine Corps)
  • Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground. (U.S. Air Force)
  • If the enemy is in range, so are you. (Infantry Journal)
  • It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. (U.S. Air Force Manual)
  • Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. (Gen. MacArthur)
  • Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo. (Infantry Journal)
  • You, you, and you ..... Panic. The rest of you, come with me. (U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt)
  • Tracers work both ways. (U.S. Army Ordnance)
  • Five-second fuses only last three seconds. (Infantry Journal)
  • Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything. (U.S. Navy Swabbie)
  • Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. (David Hackworth)
  • If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush. (Infantry Journal)
  • No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection- ready unit ever survived combat (Joe Gay)
  • Any ship can be a minesweeper ..... once. (Admiral Hornblower)
  • Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. (Unknown Recruit)
  • Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you. (Your Buddies)
  • Mines are equal-opportunity weapons. (Saddam Hussein)
  • If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly. (David Hackworth)
  • Waterproof sleeping shelters ..... aren't.
  • Smokeless powder ..... isn't.
  • Always store beer in dark places.
  • Get your first shot off fast. This may upset your enemy enough to allow you to make your second shot count.
  • You can have peace --- or you can have freedom. Don't count of having both at once.
  • Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.
  • Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous.
  • Peace is an extension of war by political means.
  • Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
  • When handling stinging insects, move slowly.
  • This side toward enemy. (U.S. anti-personnel mine)

Submitted by Tom, Fairfield, Pa.

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Humorous reflections on life by noted personalities  ...
  • I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall". (Eleanor Roosevelt)
  • The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)
  • Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)
  • Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)
  • What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mightyscarce. (Mark Twain)
  • By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)
  • Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)
  • My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)
  • The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)
  • I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
  • Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
  • Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)
  • My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)
  • Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan) 
  • I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)
  • Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)
  • I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)
  • At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)
  • Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)
  • The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)
  • I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)
  • A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)
  • I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)
  • It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)
  • Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words. (Woody Allen)
  • If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
  • (Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)
  • Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. (Woody Allen)
  • If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans. (Woody Allen)
  • Those are my principals, if you don't like them...... I have others." (Groucho Marx)
  • Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. (Mark Twain)

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Recently seen saying on tee shirts ...
  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
  • I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  • I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
  • Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Who Thinks these Product Labels Up?
  • On A Hair Dryer from Sears: Do Not Use While Sleeping
  • On A Bar Of Dove Soap: Directions- Use Like Regular Soap
  • On Swann Frozen Foods: Serving Suggestion- Defrost Before Eating
  • On A Shower Cap: Fits One Head
  • On The Botttom of a Tesco Tiramisu Dessert: Warning! Do Not Turn Upside Down!
  • On M&S Bread and Butter Pudding: Warning! May Be Hot After Heating!
  • On A Rowenta Iron: Do Not Iron Clothes On Body
  • On Infant's Cough Medicine: Warning! Do Not Drive Car Immediately After Consuming!
  • On Nytol Sleeping Pills: Warning! May Cause Drowsiness!
  • On Christmas Lights: For Indoor and Outdoor use ONLY!
  • On A Superman Costume: The Wearing of this Garment does not enable one to fly
  • On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.
  • On an American Airlines Packet Of Nuts: Directions-Open Packet, Eat Nuts

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway ...
  • Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  • There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
  • An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  • If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • Get the last word in: Apologize.
  • Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
  • Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  • Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
  • In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  • Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Submitted by Tom, Willow Pond Farms, Fairfield, Pa.

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One-line puns that didn't quite make it to the big time ...
  • A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired.
  • What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • Show me a piano falling down on a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor
  • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart
  • You feel stuck to your debt if you can't budge it.
  • Every calendar's days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted. Taint yours and it taint mine.
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large
  • Those who are too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
  • Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  • Bakers trade bread secrets on a knead to know basis.
  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  • Marathon runners with bad footwear will suffer the agony of defeet.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Insights on life from Jean ...
  • Drugs have taught an entire generation of kids the metric system.
  • "Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening"
  • "When in doubt...Do without!"
  • "I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer"
  • "Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months"
  • "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it"
  • "Children aren't happy without something to ignore, that's what parents were created for.
  • "To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target"
  • "There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse"
  • "If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"
  • Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
  • An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  • Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Submitted by Jean

Go to page 17 of Humorous Saying 

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