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Spotted in a toilet of a London office: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below ...
  • In a Birmingham department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
  • In a Norwich office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back Or further steps will be taken.
  • In an Swindon office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on The draining board.
  • Outside a Chester secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. why not bring Your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
  • Notice in Cambridge health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
  • In a Leicester laundromat: Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the Light Goes out.
  • Spotted in a Longleat safari park: Elephants! Please stay in your car.
  • Seen during a Blackpool conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on The first floor.
  • Notice in a field in Wiltshire: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull Charges.
  • Message on a leaflet in reading: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
  • On a repair shop door in Newcastle-on-Tyne: We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door - the bell Doesn't work.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.
 

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Actual Entries in Hospital Charts
  • Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  • The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient refused autopsy.
  • The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  • Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
  • Patientís medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • While in ER, she was examined, x-rayed, and sent home.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Occasional constant infrequent headaches.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • Rectal examine revealed a normal size thyroid.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got divorced.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  • The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  • Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
  • Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
  • Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield. Co.
 

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Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from the Easter Bunny
  • Don't put all your eggs in one basket
  • The best things in life are still sweet and gooey
  • Walk softly and carry a big car rot (carat)
  • Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
  • Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
  • There's no such thing as too much candy
  • Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans
  • Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
  • All work and no play can make you a basket case
  • A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
  • The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
  • An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
  • To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
  • Some body parts should be floppy
  • Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits

Happy Easter!

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

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More insights on life age brings ...
  • Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
  • Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
  • Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
  • Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
  • An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
  • There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
  • In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
  • I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
  • A day without sunshine is like night.
  • If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
  • It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
  • The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
  • Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
  • Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
  • Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
  • You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing
  • What happens to a man is less significant than what happens within him.

Submitted by Debbie, Proud Wife of Paul, Middletown, Md.
 

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More Witticisms of Life ...
  • The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
  • I donít do drugs anymore Ďcause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
  • Sign in a Chinese pet store: "Buy one dot, get one flea."
  • I have my own little world, But itís OKÖ. They know me here.
  • Money canít buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  • If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
  • I donít approve of political jokesÖ Iíve seen too many of them get elected.
  • The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
  • There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the idiot you married.
  • If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; If it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenadesÖ now THATíS a message!
  • I love being married. Itís so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
  • I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect: therefore, I am perfect.
  • Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days Iíve stayed alive.
  • If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
  • Isnít having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  • Why is it that most nudists are people you donít want to see naked?
  • Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
 

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Murphy's Law Addenda
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
  • Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted; then used against you.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
  • Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • Remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
  • If you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 percent probability you'll get it wrong.
  • If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
  • You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
  • Latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75 percent of the world's population.
  • If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
  • The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
  • Flashlight: A case for holding leaking dead batteries.
  • Shin: A device for finding furniture.
  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  • Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
  • I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few.
  • When you go to court, you put yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
  • Light travels faster than sound, so some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

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The Year's Worst [Actual] Headlines of 2002
  • Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  • Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  • Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  • Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  • War Dims Hope for Peace
  • If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  • Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  • Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  • Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  • Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Submitted by Patrick, Muskegon, Mi
 

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More Deep Thoughts ... Part 12
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  • Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
  • If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
  • What do you call male ballerinas?
  • Can blind people see their dreams?
  • If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  • If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
  • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  • Why do the alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
 

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Did You ever Wonder?
  • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
  • Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
  • crisp which no decent human being would eat?
  • Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  • Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
  • If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why
  • can't he fix a hole in a boat?
  • Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
  • to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
  • Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
  • Why are Trix only for kids?
  • If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  • Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
  • Is Disney World the only people-trap operated by a mouse?
  • Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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If policemen where allowed to say what they really thought ...
  • "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
  • "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
  • "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
  • "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
  • "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
  • "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
  • "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
  • "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
  • "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
  • "Just how big were those two beers?"
  • "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

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More Insights One Gains as They Go Through Life ...
  • Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
  • Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  • Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
  • According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
  • Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  • Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
  • In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  • Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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More Headline Stories for the Year 2035
  • White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
  • Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
  • Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
  • Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
  • Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
  • Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
  • Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
  • Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with Congressman.
  • IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

More Headline Stories for the Year 2035

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

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Headline Stories for the Year 2035
  • Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  • Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.
  • Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)
  • Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
  • 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
  • Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.
  • Texas executes last remaining citizen.
  • Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
  • Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.
  • Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
  • Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
  • Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
  • New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

Go to page 16 of Humorous Saying 

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