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One Liners from Airline Pilots and flight attendants
  • During the "anyone caught smoking or tampering with a smoke detector in the lavatory will be prosecuted...." spiel, a creative Southwest Airlines attendant added., "Said individual will also be treated to a private screening of "Gone With the Wind.......from the wing"
     
  • On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
     
  • "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
     
  • After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
     
  • From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
     
  • In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child pick your favorite.
     
  • Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
  • "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
     
  • "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop down from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."
     
  • "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
     
  • And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is please to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
     
  • Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
     
  • Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
     
  • Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
     
  • After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way thought thewreckage to the terminal."
     
  • Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
     
  • A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!"
     
  • Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
 

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Actual Quotes From Patient's Charts ...
  • She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she is very hot in bed at night.
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side, for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears depressed.
  • The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient refused autopsy.
  • The patient has no previous history of suicide.
  • Patient's medical history has been insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Occasional constant infrequent headaches.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  • Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circusized.
  • The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  • Patient was to have bowel resection, but took a job as stockbroker instead.
  • Skin: somewhat pale but present.
  • The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
  • Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

Submitted by Katrina, Smithsburg, MD.

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Classic Restroom Graffiti
  • The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. --Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
  • Beauty is only a light switch away. --Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
  • I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. --Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
  • Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" --Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
  • God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust? -- The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
  • No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap --Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
  • At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. --Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. --Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
  • Make love, not war.--Hell, do both, get married! -- Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
  • God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God --The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
  • If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. --Revolution Books. New York, New York.
  • A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. --Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

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The Best T-Shirts of Summer, 2001  - Bob Levey, The Washington Post
  • "If a Man Speaks in the Forest and There Is No Woman Around to Hear Him – Is He Still Wrong?"
  • "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15"
  • "A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words, But It Uses Up a Thousand Times the Memory"
  • "Hey, I Already Went to Hell, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt"
  • "They Call Me a Feminist Every Time I Say Something That Distinguishes Me From a Doormat"
  • "I'm a Natural Blonde -- Speak Slowly"
  • "Of Course I Don't Look Busy -- I Did It Right the First Time"
  • "Damn Straight I'm a College Grad -- Paper or Plastic?"
  • "Army: Be All That You're Told to Be"
  • "I Used to Be Schizophrenic, But Now We're Just Fine"
  • "When Did My Wild Oats Turn Into Shredded Wheat?"
  • "My Husband and I Divorced Over Religious Differences -- He Thought He Was
  • God and I Didn't"
  • "Sky Diving -- Speed Limit 120 MPH (Not Strictly Enforced)"
  • "Heck Is Where People Go Who Don't Believe in Gosh"
  • "I'm Pro-Lifejacket and I Boat!"
  • (On the front) "I Cannot be Bought" -- (On the back) "Inquire About Leasing"
  • "Those Who Think They Know It All Are an Annoyance To Those of Us Who Do!"
  • "Guys Have Feelings, Too. But Like, Who Cares?"
  • "Re-Elect Gore in 2004"
  • "I Can Only Be Nice to One Person Today -- Today Is Not Your Day -- Tomorrow
  • Doesn't Look Good, Either"
  • "All I Ask Is a Chance to Prove That Money Can't Make Me Happy"
  • "If God Had Meant for Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My
  • Knees"
  • "He Who Dies With the Most Toys Wins -- But He Still Dies"
  • "Look Out Behind You -- The Lemmings Are Gaining"
  • "Welcome to Kentucky -- Set Your Watch Back 20 Years"
  • "Practice Safe Food -- Use Condiments"
  • "Five Out of Four People Don't Understand Fractions"
  • "If You Wish to Be Young Again, Remember Algebra"
  • "Men and Women Are From Earth -- Deal With It"
  • "I'm Not Fat -- I'm Just Fluffy"
  • "Our Lady of Perpetual Mood Swings"
  • "I Chose the Road Less Traveled -- Now Where the Heck Am I?"
  • "I Hope My Ship Comes In Before My Dock Rots"
  • "Yes, It's Lonely at the Top -- But I Eat a Lot Better Than You"
  • "Hugs Are Fully Returnable"
  • (Aboard a pregnant woman) "When You're In Love, It Shows"
  • "Bless Grandmothers! -- They Minimize Our Failures and Magnify Our Successes"
  • "Next Time You Think You're So Smart, Try Walking on Water"
  • "A Woman Needs Four Animals in Her Life -- A Mink on Her Back, a Jaguar in er Garage, a Tiger in Her Bed and a Jackass to Pay for It All"
  • "And You're Telling Me This Because . . . "
  • "I'm in Shape -- Round Is a Shape"
  • "Life Is Uncertain -- Eat Dessert First"
  • "The Weather Is Here -- Wish You Were Beautiful!"
  • "Chaos! Panic! Disorder! My Work Here Is Done!"
  • (Aboard a mother who was squiring two children around) "Touch Nothing, and Don't Ask for Anything"
  • (Aboard a small boy) "Chip Off the Old Block" -- (Aboard the man beside him) "Old Block"
  • "I Can Fix Anything -- Where's the Duct Tape?"
  • "Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off"
  • (Thought balloon from a horse that's looking wistfully at a farmer in an adjacent field) "Go Ahead, Make My Hay"
  • "Rehab Is for Quitters!"
  • "I'm Only Wearing Black Until They Find Something Darker"
  • "If the Right Side of the Brain Governs the Left Side of the Body, Then Left-Handed People Are the Only Ones in Their Right Minds!"
  • "Body by Beer"
  • "America Is a Wonderful Country -- Even a C Student Can Become President"
  • "Dad Knows a Lot, But Grandpa Knows EVERYTHING!"
  • "From the Desk of Toto: Dear Dorothy -- Hate Oz, Took the Shoes, Find Your Own Way Home!"
  • "Summer in Nags Head -- Some Are Not"
  • "Here I Am -- Now What Are Your Other Two Wishes?"
  • "24 Hours in a Day, 24 Beers in a Case -- Coincidence?"
  • "I Don't Think Much -- Therefore, I May Not Be"
  • "When Your Dreams Turn to Dust, Vacuum"
  • "I Got This T-Shirt for My Husband -- Pretty Good Trade, Huh?"
  • "I'm from the Nation's Capital -- Nobody's Perfect"
  • "Out of Body -- Back in Ten Minutes"
  • "Where There's a Will . . . I Want to Be in It"
  • "Always Remember You're Unique -- Just Like Everyone Else"
  • "Keep Grandma Off the Streets -- Take Her to Bingo"
  • "Can You Imagine a World Without Men? No Crime, and Lots of Happy, Fat Women"
  • "In Dog Years, I'm Dead"
  • (Aboard a toddler) "How's My Walking? Call 1-800-GOODKID"
  • "Remember, You Either Find Time to Exercise or You'll Have to Find Time to Be Sick"
  • (Aboard a man walking along a beach in South Florida) "Will Work for Food" -- (Aboard the woman walking beside him) "Will Not Work for Anything"
  • "Don't Worry, It Only Seems Kinky the First Time"
  • "The Quickest Way to Double Your Money Is to Fold It in Half and Put It in Your Pocket"
  • "Before You Criticize Someone, You Should Walk a Mile in Their Shoes -- That Way, When You Criticize Them, You're a Mile Away and You Have a New Pair of Shoes"
  • "Experience Is Something You Don't Get Until Just After You Need It"
  • "I Bent the Rules and the Rules Won"

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Lessons Cowboys have Learned: Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
  • If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
    •
  • If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
  • 6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
  • There's two theories to arguin' with the foreman. Neither one works.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
  • Don't squat with your spurs on.
  • It doesn't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • There are three kinds of people:
    1. The ones who learn by reading,
    2. the few who learn by observation,
    3. the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see if it's hot.
    •

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More Pearls of Wisdom drawn from life experiences
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
  • It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
  • If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
  • Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
  • Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
  • Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
  • Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  • Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Submitted by Sister Wink, the Bronx, NY.
  

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How to make a telemarketer regret calling you . . .
  • If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
  • If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
  • If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
  • This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
  • Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my goodness! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
  • Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
  • If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends .... would you be my friend?"
  • If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?
  • After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
  • Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
  • Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh NO!!!" and then hang up.
  • Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME umbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.
  • Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
  • Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
  • Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
  • Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
  • Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
  • Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
  • Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up .... louder ... louder...louder...
  • Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
  

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More great sayings from Flight Attendants . . .
  • After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
  • During the "anyone caught smoking or tampering with a smoke detector in the lavatory will be prosecuted...." spiel, a creative Southwest Airlines attendant added., "Said individual will also be treated to a private screening of "Gone With the Wind.......from the wing"
  • On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
  • After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
  • From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
  • In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child pick your favorite.
  • Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
  • "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
  • "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop down from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."
  • "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
  • And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is please to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
  • Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
  • After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way thought the wreckage to the terminal."
  • Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
  • Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
  

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