• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
• I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM.
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"
• My reality check bounced.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
• You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
• Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.
• There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
• Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.
• If at first you don't succeed ...... skydiving isn't for you.
• When everything is coming your way ...... you're in the wrong lane.

• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
• Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
• I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
• So you're a feminist ... Isn't that cute.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• God must love stupid people, he made so many.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
• Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• CAT----- The Other White Meat
• Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
• I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
• Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.
• Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an ass.
• I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.

• 10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
• Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
• The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
• The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
• The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
• Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
• "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
• With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "M"s on them.

And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO . . .

• The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

• Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
• You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
• The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
• When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
• The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
• If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
• Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
• Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
• If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
• Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
• Work is good, but it's not that important.
• And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

. . . alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:

• Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
• Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
• Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
• Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
• Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
• Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
• Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
• Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
• Glibido: All talk and no action.
• Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you have been smoking marijuana.

And, the pick of the literature:

• Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Remember, half the people you know are below average.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad > memory.
• Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
• Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
• Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administratin
• Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his fac
• Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
• Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
• Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
• Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
• Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funera
• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
• Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
• Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
• Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
• Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

. . . here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

• On a Sears hairdryer:" Do not use while sleeping."
• On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
• On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
• On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
• On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
• On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
• On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
• On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
• On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
• On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
• On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
• On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
• On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
• On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
• On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or teath."

• Black holes are where God divided by zero . . . 
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
• something.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
• Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

• Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a single one of them.
• You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
• 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
• You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
• You carry an umbrella. (You watch the Weather Channel.)
• Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hookup" and "breakup".
• You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
• Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
• You're the one calling the police because your neighbor next door plays
• the stereo to loud.
• Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
• You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more.
• Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
• You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
• Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
• You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
• Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
• Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
• A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
• You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
• "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to
• drink that much again."
• Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
• You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
• You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to You