My Little Sister's Jokes > List of Horse Jokes > Page: 5 | 6 | Next

Horse articles on

Help us build our joke and story bank.
E-mail us at:

Today marks my first year anniversary on my little 17-acre farm ...

...  my first year anniversary keeping horses at home. Here are 70 things that I learned my first year. Don't ask me how I know.  (Author unknown)

  1. A horse will respect two thin wires of electric fence. If and when he wants to.
  2. "Break away" barriers are good things. Gates, fences, halters and even support beams should all be engineered to "give" when under pressure from a 1,300 lb horse with a big spook.
  3. Kindness is still the most powerful force. Win his heart and the mind follows. And all four hooves, too.
  4. You can't fight the weather. Live with it. Prepare for it. Don't ignore it and don't forget it. Sometimes the weather screams at you to hunker down and stay inside. Do it.
  5. Life is hard. Don't underestimate the physical challenge of life. Get in shape. Life weights. Eat right. Run. Develop good cardiac health & a foundation of strength. And yes, that IS fair.
  6. Play. Life is hard (see #s 4 and 5 above). When it lets up, find time to play. Life is also short and the time for enjoyment fleeting. Ride horses. Ride bikes. Read books. Go fishing. Play a game. Have fun!
  7. Be flexible. The old adage, "fix it once," is wrong. You may have to fix it 100 different ways, 100 different times. Life changes. You change. The frickin' weather changes. Don't invest too much money thinking you are only going to fix this once. Fix it now. Keep a reserve. You may have to dig it up and fix it again. That does not mean you did it wrong.
  8. Water freezes at 32-degrees Fahrenheit. Every Time.
  9. The most beautiful sunrises & sunsets happen on cloudy days ... but not too cloudy. Too many clouds obscure the events entirely. But a clear day affords a bland sky. The most spectacular sunrise slips through just a bit of cloud cover.
  10. Sometimes all you have to do is HOLD A CROP. It's amazing how things seem to go your way when you just have it in your hand.
  11. Don't wear your best running shoes out to the barn. And if you do, throw them away after.
  12. Wind on the prairie is relentless. It SHOULD be harnessed for energy because it is otherwise worthless. It does NOT make us cooler in the summer, either.
  13. A swimming pool is a good thing. A lot of work, but a good thing.
  14. It is also good if you can drive a truck right into your barn, your workshop or your basement.
  15. The feed store delivers! And stacks!
  16. Horses prefer dried brown grass to fresh green hay.
  17. I have enough pasture to feed a horse that has teeth. This does not include King.
  18. The water in the pond is safe for the horses to drink.
  19. By and large, horses are NOT intent on killing themselves. Six days out of seven they prefer to graze peacefully, groom each other, and socialize with the neighbors over the fence. It's the seventh day that gets you, though! You have to prepare for the seventh day!
  20. You cannot mow a field with a lawn mower.
  21. Stock tank heaters are automatic!
  22. That funny water hydrant inside the barn is called a freeze-proof hydrant and for the most part it is. But when it isn't, a propane torch is a handy accessory.
  23. You must remove the hose AND the quick-connector to maintain the freeze-proof properties.
  24. The cat is a good mouser.
  25. The dog serves no purpose whatsoever. Other than to keep you busy, tear up your stuff, and make you get out of bed in the morning. Okay -- that is "some" purpose.
  26. You can keep more than 150 lbs of feed at a time.
  27. Fence wire goes on the INSIDE of the fence.
  28. Horse fence is woven not welded. Welded wire breaks.
  29. You can install electric fencing with just one ground rod. And that voltage meter does not work as good as your hand -- but it hurts less.
  30. 15 minutes of barn work does not equal a Big Mac & fries!
  31. Horses and dogs are natural enemies.
  32. You cannot have just one horse. Even if he is old and should "know better."
  33. Horses can stay outside overnight. Even old horses. Even when it is raining. (But show barn babies prefer to be IN when it rains.)
  34. Don't open the pool in April.
  35. Close off the skimmer when you vacuum the pool.
  36. It takes more than one day to get a pool ready to swim in the spring. And it takes more than one person to cover a pool in the fall.
  37. Hard surfaces make good floors in a farm house. There is no room for carpet.
  38. Always schedule the next hoof trimming when the farrier is HERE.
  39. Don't take your horses outside your perimeter fencing on the way to turnout.
  40. The stars are brighter over the prairie.
  41. Young men are infinitely stronger than old women.
  42. A phone in the barn is a good thing.
  43. Don't dump the muck cart into the wind.
  44. Satellite services do not offer high speed internet. No matter how much they charge.
  45. There is no such thing as "reliable high speed internet" on the prairie. No matter how much it costs.
  46. You can get tennis elbow from mucking stalls.
  47. Horses can learn to walk themselves into their stalls. This saves a LOT of time -- if you keep the exterior barn doors closed.
  48. Manure adds up. Fast.
  49. You can survive without a truck. But not without a hat.
  50. Winter lasts a long time. It's cold. It's hard. And it is very very boring. Get an indoor hobby.
  51. Horses are a lot of work. Unless you love them, then there is no "work." Just life.
  52. Heat the feed room. Feed with molasses in it will freeze into a solid rock if you don't.
  53. One scoop of Nutrena Senior = 3 lbs.
  54. BOSS = black oil sunflower seeds.
  55. Don't break ice with the bucket heater.
  56. Wear gloves when refilling frozen water buckets. Every. Time.
  57. There is a contraption called a T-post puller. And you need one.
  58. You also need several sizes of wire cutters.
  59. No. It is NOT a good idea to burn off your fields. PERIOD. No matter how many people say it is. Pay someone to run over them with a bush hog. Trust me.
  60. If you see smoke & flames, then that's a fire. Call the fire department. Now. Hook up the 100-ft. hose. Now.
  61. If a fire jumps a fire break and gets onto your property, get the horses into the barn. Now.
  62. You cannot hold down a 1,300-lb horse on a spook. Let go. Now.
  63. You do not have to groom & pick hooves every day.
  64. Severe weather = colic risk.
  65. Fill water buckets at night. Dump in the morning. Unless frozen. Then set the frozen buckets in the heated feed room all day and dump at night. Before refilling.
  66. Put your foot on the brake to start the tractor.
  67. You do not need a refrigerator in the barn. But you could use one in the garage.
  68. Wake up with the sun. Forget the alarm.
  69. Nothing ever "gets better if you ignore it." Nothing.
  70. A single woman can learn to survive on the prairie. She can keep horses, build fence and stack hay. She can muck stalls and drive a tractor. She can unfreeze a frozen hydrant, install a stock tank heater and close the swimming pool. She can strip and rebed horse stalls and she can install a gate. She can haul water and break ice and sit up with a colicky horse. She can pick hooves and pull manes. She can treat wounds and kill flies. She can teach an unruly horse to mind. She can calm a nervous horse. She can earn trust and give love. She can kiss noses and snuggle her face into warm, soft shoulders. She can sleep hard at night and work hard during the day. She can keep them safe. She can walk into a cold dark barn on a cold dark morning and hear sweet soft nickers. She can leave that barn to the tune of contented munching. She can survive. But better than that, she can live.

Submitted by Jamie, Frederick Md.

 Return to: Top of Page, List of Horse Jokes, My Little Sister's Jokes

Things only horse people know or do ...
  • There is an 11th Commandment: Inside leg to outside rein.
  • All topical medications come in either indelible blue or neon yellow.
  • Think nothing of eating a sandwich after mucking out stables. *
  • Why a thermometer has a yard of yarn attached to one end of it.
  • Why we are banned from Laundromats.
  • Fail to associate whips, chains and leather with sexual deviancy.
  • Can magically lower their voices five octaves to bellow at a pawing horse.
  • Have a language all their own ("If he pops his shoulder, I have to close that hand and keep pushing with my seat in case he sucks back".)
  • Will end relationships over their hobby.
  • Cluck to their cars to help them up hills.
  • Insure their horses for more than their cars.
  • Will give you 20 names and reasons for that bump on your horse.
  • Know more about their horse's nutrition than their own.
  • Have neatsfoot oil stains on the carpet right next to the TV.
  • Have a vocabulary that can make a sailor blush.
  • Have less wardrobe than their horse.
  • Engage in a hobby that is more work than their day job.
  • Know that mucking stalls is better then Zoloft any day.

Submitted by Katie, Emmitsburg, Md.

 Return to: Top of Page, List of Horse Jokes, My Little Sister's Jokes

Horse Terms...
  • Auction: A popular social gathering where you can change your horse from a liability into an asset.
  • Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse-show food stands.
  • Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.
  • Endurance ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.
  • Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.
  • Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse something to chew on.
  • Grooming: Fine art of removing dirt from your horse's body and applying it to your own.
  • Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.
  • Lungeing: Popular training method in which a horse exercises his owner by spinning him in circles until dizzy.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

 Return to: Top of Page, List of Horse Jokes, My Little Sister's Jokes

Real 'horse' related ad that appeared in the Equiery ...

We are looking for an experienced barn manager to work full time at a Dressage/Eventing barn in Frederick, MD. Must be sane, not into gossip or drama, may be opinionated as long as you keep them to yourself, should have the same personality today as you did yesterday, must have some social skills as you may actually have to talk to people, should have at least an elementary school education, should know that at age 20 you are not an "expert" at anything, must actually get off your cell phone and do some work while here, should be able to read and understand what the "No Smoking Around the Barn" sign means without explanation, and finally, you should know your way around a least which is the front end vs. the hind end. I know this is a tall order, but I am hoping there is a "normal" person out there ... somewhere...who wants a job working with horse. Please call if interested ...

Submitted by Jamie, Frederick, Md.

 Return to: Top of Page, List of Horse Jokes, My Little Sister's Jokes

Something only horse people would understand
  • When you are tense, Let me teach you to relax.
  • When you are short tempered, Let me teach you to be patient.
  • When you are short sighted, Let me teach you to see.
  • When you are quick to react, Let me teach you to slow down.
  • When you are angry, Let me teach you to be serene.
  • When you feel superior, Let me teach you to be respectful.
  • When you are self-absorbed, Let me teach you to think of greater things.
  • When you are arrogant, Let me teach you humility.
  • When you are lonely, Let me be your companion.
  • When you are tired, Let me carry the load.
  • When you need to learn, Let me teach you.

After all, I am your horse!

And now, the REAL DEAL

  • When you are tense, Let me teach you that there are lions in them thar woods and we need to leave NOW!
  • When you are short tempered, l Let me teach you to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me!
  • When you are short sighted, Let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
  • When you are quick to react, Let me teach you that herbivores kick much faster and harder than omnivores.
  • When you are angry, Let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet because I don't feel like cantering on my right lead today!
  • When you are worried, Let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
  • When you feel superior, Let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
  • When you are self absorbed, Let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. Remember, I told you about those lions in them thar woods?
  • When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 pounds of 'YAHOO LET"S GO" can do when suitably inspired.
  • When you are lonely, Let me be your companion. Lets do Lunch. Also, breakfast, snack and dinner.
  • When you are tired, Don't forget the 600 pounds of grain that needs to be unloaded.
  • When you are feeling financially secure, Let me teach you the meaning of Veterinary Services.
  •  When you want to learn, hang around, I'll learn ya.

Sincerely, Your Horse

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

 Return to: Top of Page, List of Horse Jokes, My Little Sister's Jokes

Horse Therapy  By Mary Anne Miller

When your day seems out of balance
And so many things go wrong.
When people fight around you,
And the day drags on so long...

When parents act like children
In-Laws make you think "Divorce,"
Go out into your pasture...
Wrap your arms around your horse.

His gentle breath enfolds you,
As he watches with those eyes...
He may not have a Ph.D.,
But he is oh, so wise!

His head rests on your shoulder
You embrace him good and tight;
He puts your world in balance,
And makes it seem all right.

Your tears will soon stop flowing,
The tension is now eased.
The garbage has been lifted
You'll be quiet and at peace.

So when you need the balance
From circumstances in your day
The best therapy you can seek-
Is out there chomping hay!

~Author unknown

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

Go to page 7 of Horse Jokes

Return to: Top of Page, List of Horse Jokes, My Little Sister's Jokes