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A friend of mine sent me this advisory on the stock market today.

"Normally I avoid discussing any advice received from my broker, but I felt this was important enough to share, and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another Worldcom.

"Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:

  • American Can
  • Interstate Water
  • National Gas Company
  • Northern Tissue Company

"Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean. It's a tough market out there. Be careful".

Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square, PA.

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A painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could ...

..., so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened the local church decided to do a big restoration job. Because his price was so low, Jock got the job. And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got

on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Submitted by Sister Wink, Yonkers, NY

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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.

Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I

play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

Submitted by Jon, Miamisburg, OH.

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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.

"The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says....

(Are you ready for this?)

It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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More Brain Twisters
  1. 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: Bread. If you said "toast" then give up now and go and find yourself a shoe box as you can't handle life. If you said "bread" then please progress on to question 2.
  2. Say "silk" 5 times, now spell "silk". What do cows drink? Answer: "Water". If you said "milk," then may I suggest that you do not try the next question, as it may seem that your brain cell is over - taxed, you need a holiday. May I suggest children's world? If you said "water" then you may go onto question 3.
  3. If a red house is made from red bricks, a blue house is made out of blue bricks, a pink house is made out of pink bricks, a black house is made out of black bricks what is a green house made out of? Answer: "Glass". If you said "green bricks" then what are you still doing here reading these questions!!!! If you said "glass" then please progress onto question 4.
  4. 20 years ago a plane is flying at 20,000 ft, over the old country Germany when 2 of the engines fail, the pilot realizing that the last remaining engine was failing, he decides a crash landing procedure, but unfortunately the engine fails before time and the plane crashes smack bang in the middle of "No mans land" the land between East Germany and West Germany in the middle of the Berlin wall, . where would you bury the survivors East Germany, West Germany or in "no mans land"?! Answer: You don't bury "survivors" if you said anything other than the sentence above then please never fly, you may cause more damage should the plane crash!!! If you said the sentence above then carry on to question 5.
  5. If on a clock the hour hand moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand travel in 1 hour? Answer: "1 degree." If you said "360 degrees", or anything other than the answer, may I congratulate you on getting this far. But be honest with yourself, Do you think you can handle the last and final question? If you said "1 degree" then please go on to the last question.
  6. Without using a calculator - you are driving a bus from London to Milford haven (Wales) in London 17 people get on the bus, in reading 6 people get off, 9 people get on, in Swindon 2 people get off, 4 people get on, in Cardiff 11 people get off, 16 people get on, in Swansea 3 people get off, 5 people get on, in Carmarthen, 6 people get off,3 people get on the bus then pulls into Milford haven bus depot. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: "Your name." Read the first line!

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.

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An elephant was drinking out of a pond one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log.

So, he strolled over and flicked it clear out of sight with his trunk.

"What did you do that for?" asked a passing aardvark.

"Because I recognized it... It's the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" exclaimed the aardvark.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall."

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A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very

nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, followed by a three

rotations in a jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Europe, and I worked both sides of the Channel."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Some facts have just come to light concerning the sinking of the "Titanic."

One, for example, is that most people don't know that in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured only in England. The ship "Titanic" was carrying12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The people of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were very upset at the news of the sinking. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God...."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money ...

and he asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Submitted by Flo, Germantown, Md.

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John decided life would be much easier if he had a clone.

So he had one made and sent him to work in his place while he stayed home and relaxed.

Soon this backfired when the clone came home and said he had been fired for making sexual comments to the women in the office.

John decided he had to get rid of the clone before things got worse. John took his clone to the top of a tall building and pushed him off.

Unfortunately, someone saw John and he was arrested and convicted for making an obscene clone fall.

Submitted by Sister Wink, the Bronx, NY.

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The European Commission on the European Unification just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish." In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c." Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have less letters.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away. By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v."

During ze fif year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinazuns of leters.

After ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a veri sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu unerstan ech ozer. Ze drem vil finaly kum tru.

Submitted by Dr. Patty, Leasburg, Va.

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Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons ...

... The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

  • Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
  • A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  • A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  • A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
  • These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Submitted by Sister Wink, The Bronx, NY

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Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track.

One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the tract as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.

Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.

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A new teacher was getting to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father did for a living ...

The first little girl said: "My name is Mary and my Daddy is a postman."

The next child, a little boy said: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

And so it went until one little boy said: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject. Later, in the school yard, the teacher approached Jimmy privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar.

Jimmy blushed and said, "No, he's really an auditor for Arthur Andersen, but I'm just too embarrassed to tell anyone."

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This month's entries for this year's best one line groaners ...
  • The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
  • Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
  • I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
  • I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
  • Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
  • Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  • I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
  • If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
  • I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.
  • The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
  • If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand THAT'S a message!!
  • I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $1.50 cents at the bowling alley.
  • I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
  • I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
  • Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
  • Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
  • If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
  • How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  • Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
  • The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
  • Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Submitted by Wink, the Bronx, NY

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