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After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. 

There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He delivers a kick to Osama's knee.

Osama is subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up and hurls him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
  

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Rodney Dangerfield's Best One Liners
  • I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
  • I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  • I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
  • I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
  • When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
  • I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness, after I was born.
  • I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
  • Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
  • My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
  • I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
  • I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
  • I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
  • With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
  • Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a
  • pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
  • One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
  • My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
  

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The very best ... err worst, of one line groaners
  • Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
  • A good pun is its own reword.
  • Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
  • If life gives you llamas, make llamanade.
  • Despite rumors to the contrary, a mime is actually a very satisfying thing to waste.
  • A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
  • My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
  • Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
  • Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
  • Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
  • I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  • I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
  • I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
  • If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  • Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  • Adolescence - when a lad forsakes his bosom buddy for a bosomed buddy.
  • Banning the bra was a big flop.
  • Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
  • A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
  • Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
  • She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
  • Without geometry, life is pointless.
  • Dreaming in color is no big deal. It's just a pigment of your imagination.
  • Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  • Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
  • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week ...

when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe, and holding a staff. He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and said, "Excuse me, sir, aren't you Moses?"

The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing.

Again, George W asked, a little louder this time, "Excuse me, sir, but aren't you Moses?"

Again the old man stared at the ceiling, motionless, without a word. George W tried a third time, louder yet. "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?"

Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at the ceiling. One of George W's aides asked him if there was a problem, and George W. said, "Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him three times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet."

To which the old man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied, "I can hear you, and yes, I am Moses, but the last time I spoke to a BUSH I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness."

Submitted by Judy, Emmitsburg, Md
  

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A man who was lonely decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the box back home, talking gently to the centipede as he walked home.

In the house, he found a good location for the box, then decided he would start off their friendship by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

There was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

Submitted by Judy, Emmitsburg, Md.
  

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. 

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. 

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

Submitted by Maryann, Columbia, Md.
  

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. 

He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place the next night for dinner. Needless to say, he says "Yes."

She cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No" she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
  

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Polish Marines stormed Bloomingdale's Department Store . . .

. . . in New York Yesterday after its intelligence agency reported that Bed Linen was on the fourth floor.

No one was hurt.
  

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This guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth. 

After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talking DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"

"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
 

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It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. 

All the inmates were standing in the courtyard singing "Ave Maria" and singing it beautifully.

Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir director. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the director.

"You should take them on tour!" said the visitor.

"What are they called"?

"Surely that must be obvious," replied the director.....

"They are the Moron Tapanapple Choir."
  

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Best one liner groaners of 2001
  • How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
  • How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
  • How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.
  • How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
  • What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!
  • What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long? Polaroids.
  • What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work? A Stick.
  • What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
  • What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
  • What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.
  • What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
  • What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite.
  • What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
  • What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
  • Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
  • Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
  • Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
  • What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
  • What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
  • Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
  • What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, "Damn!" A Bad Skydiver Goes "Damn!" Whack!
  • What Do You Call Skydiving Lawyers? Skeet.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
  

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Polandís worst air disaster ever occurred today . . .

. . . When a two passenger Cessna 250 crashed into a large cemetery just outside of Warsaw. 

So far, 367 bodies have been found and authorities indicate the count could rise as digging continues.
 

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A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.

The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table. 

A tube of K-Y jelly; A rubber glove; and A beer.

When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

Dam it Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
  

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A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a meal. 

He eats his meal, gets up, pulls out a gun and fires one shot into the ceiling, then turns to leave. The bartender asks where he's going.

The panda replies, "I'm a panda, look it up," then leaves.

The bartender goes down to the library, opens up the Encyclopedia Britannica to "panda" and reads: ... eats shoots and leaves.

Submitted By Cassie, Littlestown, Pa.
  

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Once upon a time, there were three little pigs.

The first little pig walked into a bar. 'Give me five beers.' When he was done he asked, 'Where's the bathroom?' '

Down the hall and to the left,' replied the bartender.

The second little pig walked into the bar and asked, 'How many beers did my brother have?'

'Five.'

'Then I'll have ten.'

When he was done he asked, 'Where's the bathroom?'

'Down the hall and to the left,' replied the bartender.

The third little pig walked into the bar and asked, 'How many beers did my brother have?'

'Ten.'

'Then I'll have Fifteen.'

When he was done he started eating the peanuts on the bar. The bartender asked, 'Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?'

'No,' said the little pig. 'I'm the little pig that goes wee wee wee wee all the way home.'

Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.
  

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Three men are sitting naked in the sauna.

Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
  

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At a hastily called press conference this morning, the Taliban Minister of Emigration . . .

. . . Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if any further military action was taken against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
  

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Latest news reports advise that a cell of five terrorists has been operating in the Harlem area.

Police advised earlier today that four of the five have already been detained. The Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists: Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin, Bin Fightin and Bin Pimpin have already been arrested on immigration issues. 

The police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member:  Bin Workin, in the area. Police are however, confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be extremely easy to spot in the community.

Submitted By Marianne, Columbia, Md.
  

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A man realizes he needs to buy a hearing aid, but he is unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they run?" he asks the clerk.

"That depends," says the salesman. "They run from $2 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2 model," the customer says.

The clerk puts the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he says.

"How does it work?" the customer asks.

"For $2, it doesn't work," the salesman replies. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
  

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