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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was "performing". Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! So, John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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A man goes into the doctor.

He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

"I can make a well educated guess though," he continued. "Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"

"What's the difference?" asked the jeweler.

"Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler. "He had a stocking over his head.
 

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A man enters a barber shop for a shave

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
 

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Two men were hunting in the woods...

One was a fanatic who hunted as often as possible. His friend was hunting for the first time. He didnít want to hurt anything. After a couple hours, they saw deer tracks. They soon caught up with the deer. The deer was slow because it had a terrible infection in one eye. The eye was swollen closed. The hunter lifted his gun to shoot the deer. But his friend begged him to stop.

ďCanít you see thatís a bad eye deer?Ē his friend asked.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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Mr. Jacobson, a miserly businessman, decided to take a week off ...

...from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.

Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.

After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.

Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."

Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
 

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A duck walks into an auto hobby shop ...

...and says to the clerk, "Do you have any duct tape?"

The clerk shakes his head and says "Nope. We don't carry none." The duck sighs and exits.

The duck comes in the next day and asks the clerk, "Do you have any duct tape?"

The Clerk rolls his eyes and says "No." This goes on for a few weeks. Eventually the Clerk gets very annoyed and threatens the duck. "If come in here one more time and ask for one more duct tape roll, I'll staple your feet to the floor!"

The duck comes back the next day and asks the clerk, "Do you have any staples?"

"No."

"Good. Do you have any Duct tape?"

Submitted by Timothy, Tokyo, Japan
 

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Tick warning ...

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's very important. Please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather... and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do NOT do this! They only want to see you naked.

(I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.)

Submitted by my wife, Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md. ... and she refuses to tell me who she striped for!
 

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A young woman was in hospital, recovering from major surgery.

She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her.

Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice).

She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued...

Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it.

When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face. "Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said, pointing to the urine bottle.

"Oh, really?" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. "In that case, we'd better run it through again..."

Submitted by Al. Seattle, Wa.
 

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A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk & Honey...

...  where the streets are paved with gold. Black gold that is.. But the husband can find no work.

His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:

"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and who loses a wheel of cheese.

When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of Cheddar cheese from the man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican's feet!!

Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you," he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires.

"No, the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message...as I ran home, I kept hearing a voice yelling.......

"THAT'S NACH-YO CHEESE!!!!"

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed
 

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Tourists in the Museum of Natural History ...

...were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard, 'Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?'

The guard replies, 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.'

'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist. 'How do you know their age so precisely?'

The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!'

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS! Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from de skippin'!!!!!"
 

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After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight...

... I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport. Md.
 

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A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said..

..., "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."  The barber began to lather his face while a most beautiful and desirable woman knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch.

So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares.  So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken.  He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself.

Then he understood why...

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words: Psycho-the-rapist

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Florida
 

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The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father...

... had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A man is driving down a road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field...

... of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime.

On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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Pretty good groaners ...
  • King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
     
  • Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
     
  • A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
     
  • A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
     
  • Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
     
  • A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
     
  • An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
     
  • A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
     
  • There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
     
  • A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Submitted by both Lindsay of Melbourne, Australia & Eleanor of San Francisco, Calif - on the same day!
 

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A bonified Redneck couple had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right.

Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.

He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes", answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.

When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go then?", the man asks.

"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".

The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.

Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.

The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.

The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.

"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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