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During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pees all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
 

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A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting...

..., or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM."

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life ...

...  the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.  The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A customer at Morris' Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Morris, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear, "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Morris.

The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."
 

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The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh
  • Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
  • When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
  • When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
  • The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.
 

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One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula.

We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.

Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest Road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles." Five miles farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles."

The next one was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.

Then we came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery store, and it read: "Ice 75 cents."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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This may come as a surprised to those not living in Las Vegas ...

... but there are more Catholic Churches then Casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday mass will give casino chips rather then cash when the basket is passed

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all the collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and chased in...

This is dome by the Chip Monks ...

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Mrs. O'Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland ...

... and in no time at all her bean soup made her the talk of New England society. At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy Charles Street restaurant, an old matron approached Mrs. O'Malley and said, "My dear girl, what is the secret of your soup?"

Mrs. O'Malley said, "The secret o' me soup is that I use but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it."

The woman said, "Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?"

Mrs. O'Malley said, "Because one more would make it too farty."

Submitted by former Mayor Houck, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature."

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A well lit man is sitting at a bar and strikes up a conversation with a gent next to him

The drunk laments about a serious injury that occurred to his horse. "He backed into a wooden fence and got a large splinter in his...I can't remember the term the Vet told me," said the old soak.

The gentleman next to him asked, "Rectum?"

"Wreck'em???! Wreck'em???! exclaimed the souse. It damn near killed him!!!!"

Submitted by Ray, Norristown, PA
 

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Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves of bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar!

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't do that anymore because they got those darn video cameras everywhere."

Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.
 

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Billy Bob and Rufus worked together in a Kentucky clothing factory ...

... and both were laid off so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Billy Bob said "Panty Stitcher..... I sew elastic into ladies cotton panties"..... The clerk looked up "Panty Stitcher" and put down it was listed as unskilled labor, so she put him down for $300 a week unemployment pay.

She asked Rufus his occupation and he said, "Diesel Fitter", which was listed as a skilled job.... She put him down for $600 a week.

When Billy Bob found out he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his co-worker got twice the money......the clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled, and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor"

"What skill?" yelled Billy Bob. I sew the elastic on the panties and Rufus puts 'em over his head and says, "Diesel fitter"....!!!!

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa.

Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Confucius Says
  • Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
  • Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
  • He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.
  • Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
  • Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.
  • Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet.
  • Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
  • Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

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A Kentucky couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision.

Why after nine children, would they choose to do this?

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither them could speak Spanish.

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing near Transylvania.

They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic Garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a 20 note flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are 20 notes Falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I Can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the copper. "How did you get all that Money? "Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up To the Car park of the Football Stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and Each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I Say: 20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the copper. "OK, good luck!

By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log.

So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table.

The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border.

Checkpoint Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts with disbelief "Look at the papers: This car is designed to carry five persons".

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law"

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!".

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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As an animal welfare inspector was about to enter a shop to buy lunch ...

... he noticed a parked car with two penguins sitting on the back seat. They looked to be in good health, but this was totally illegal, so when he went into the shop he asked who owned the car outside.

"I do," said a young man.

"Listen, son," Said the inspector, "You've got two penguins in the back of your car. That's right, isn't it?"

"Well, yeah, I found them wandering along the foreshore an hour ago. What's wrong with that?"

"Well, it's illegal, and dangerous for them. I'm an inspector, and I could book you on the spot, but as you didn't know about them I'll give you a chance if you promise to take them to the zoo immediately. They know how to look after them. OK?"

"Sure, I'll do it now. Didn't know they were protected, though."

He drove off, but the following day the inspector saw the same car in the same spot. Being a bit suspicious he went to investigate. Sure enough the penguins were still in the back, but this time they were wearing sunglasses. Storming into the shop he grabbed the young man by the arm and said "OK, you young idiot, you're under arrest. I told you to take them to the zoo yesterday, but they're still in the back of your car. You're booked."

"Look, mister," he replied, "they had such a good time at the zoo I reckoned I'd take then to the beach today. What's wrong with that?"

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
 

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A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night ..

... when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table.

The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
 

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