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Only in Florida...

Ya just can't make this stuff up!! When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.' (That's at least the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.

Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Taped to the box was this note: Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister.

No hard feelings. Have a nice day.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Submitted by Cindy, Emmitsburg, PA.

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Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick...

... were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1, Great North Road.
One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 400 mph.  Their radar suddenly malfunctioned and the officers were not able to reset it.
Just then a deafening roar over the tree tops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the Royal Air Force Liaison office.
Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:
"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident.  You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. 
Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.  Fortunately the alert pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.
Good Day Sir

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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The White Lie Cake

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially the ladies who bake for Church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Church Ladies' Group but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there isn't enough time to bake another cake." This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified; she was beside herself. Everyone would know!

What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob and more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from one of the founding families, but having already sent her RSVP, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

(Think about it a minute, it took me a while to get the punch line!)

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday.
First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that you're giving me my full-fledged pilot's license. You should watch that fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.

The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed. But on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and visibility, and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me from another exciting experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charcoaled steaks and the greatest martinis.

On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little
  concerned about the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.

When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were only a few snow flakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator I found out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line boy suggested that I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly. I think that he called it a Aztec C, also made by Piper. It didn't have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.

We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get the airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane. That's ridiculous. I never saw so many dials and needles and knobs, handles and switches. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this
in the J-4 Cub. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they said it was all right to go direct via Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot credit.  They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has problems with red tape.

The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the way the book style says it should be done. The tower operator told me to contact Department Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly since I knew where I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made such a racket that I just turned off the radio.

You'd think that those professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and, since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains all around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots have to make the best of it, now don't we?

It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while but these phenomenon sometimes
occur I am told. I don't expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny and I asked my neighbor to look but he just kept staring ahead with sort of a glassy look in his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of height like all non-pilots are.  By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time.

Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we were going, since I had worked it out on the computer.  I am a whiz at that computer, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except mountains. These weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business except yourself, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolt of lightning. I decided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the way it seemed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to wake him up.  Anyway, just then an emergency occurred because the engine quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two engines is really a safety factor. If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this.

As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice on the windshield.  Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than driving.

To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome. Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain, as a taxpayer.

Evidently they were expecting somebody to come in and land because they kept talking about some damn stupid son-of-a-***** up in that fog. I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some General with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking problem.

Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake.  Poor fellow, he must have the flu, or something. Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new license airmail, special delivery.

truly yours,


Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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There is a six year old boy, who lives in a house with his dad and his name is Johnny.

Now Johnny loved tractors, but right from this very early age he had his eye on a certain tractor, not just any tractor, but a Porsche, 911, limited edition, super red, convertible.

Now it is nearly Johnny's seventh birthday and his dad comes to him and says "Little Johnny, what do you want for your birthday this year?" and Johnny replies "Well daddy, I wants a twactor, not just any twactor, but' a Porsche 911 limited edition supa wed convertible!!!" And Johnny's dad says "Well, I'll see what I can get you."

A week later its Johnny痴 birthday and he is all exited, he gets up and runs downstairs into the sitting room and he sees a huge package, almost as tall as him. So his dad comes in and helps him open it. He finally opens it and there is a huge box of mega blocks. Now Johnny is a little disappointed that he did not get a tractor, but he still loved his present and had a great time playing with it and building high towers, but after a while he got really tired and went to bed.

Almost a year later it is nearly Johnny's eighth birthday and his dad comes to him and asks him what he wants for his birthday, and Johnny says "Well daddy, I wants a tractors for my birthday" and so his dad says "well Johnny, I'll see what I can get you." A week later it is Johnny's birthday and he rushes downstairs to see what he got for his birthday. He goes into the kitchen and finds a package on the table and so he opens it. And inside there is a toy tractor and a little man. Johnny really likes this present so he goes and plays with this in the sitting room with his dad, but then the head comes off the little man and the tractor looses a wheel, so he is a bit sad and he goes to bed.

Nearly a year later it is almost Johnny's ninth birthday and his dad asks him what he wants for his birthday and Johnny says "Well dad, I want a tractor, not just any tractor but a Porsche 911 limited edition super red convertible!" And his dad says "Well little Johnny, I'll see what I can do." A week later it is Johnny's ninth birthday and Johnny runs down to see what he got. So he goes down to the kitchen and there is a medium sized package lying on the floor and so he goes over and tears it open. Inside was a box with a set of model racing cars and he is a bit disappointed that he did not get his tractor, but still he liked it. So he invited a friend over to play with him, but the little metal bit on the bottom of one of the cars snapped and his friend had to go home. So Johnny just played with one car going round and round the track but he got really bored and went to bed.

Almost a year later it is nearly Johnny's tenth birthday and his dad comes to him and asks what he wants for his birthday and little Johnny said "Well dad, I want a tractor, not just any tractor but a Porsche 911 limited edition super red convertible." and his dad says "Well Johnny I値l see what I can do." A week later it is Johnny's tenth birthday and he hurries downstairs to see what he has got. He goes into the sitting room and finds an absolutely humongous package and he gets really exited. He gets his dad to help him open it and finds a full size football goal and ball. He was disappointed that he did not get the tractor but he loved it nonetheless. So he invited round some of his friends and they played football games all day until someone kicked the ball to hard and it went over the fence to the mean old man who lived next door and did not give it back. So his friends went home and he went in and watched some television.

Nearly a year later and it is almost Johnny痴 eleventh birthday and his dad comes to him and asks what he wants for his birthday, and Johnny said "Well dad, I want a tractor, not just any tractor but a Porsche 911 limited edition super red convertible." and his dad says "Well Johnny I値l see what I can do." A week later it is his eleventh birthday and Johnny jumps down the stairs and finds in the kitchen a small box on the table. He opens it and finds a play station and some games. He is a bit disappointed that he did not get a tractor but he invited some friends round and they all take it in turns to play and they are having great fun, until someone pulls a controller to hard and the play station falls off the table and breaks. Everyone goes home and Johnny is really disappointed.

Nearly a year later it is almost Johnny's twelfth birthday and his dad comes to him and asks what he wants for his birthday, and Johnny said "Well dad, I want a tractor, not just any tractor but a Porsche 911 limited edition super red convertible." and his dad says "Well Johnny I値l see what I can do." A week later it is his twelfth birthday and he goes down the stairs to see what presents he got and he finds in the sitting room a package containing a miniature air hockey table. Now Johnny was a little disappointed that he did not get a tractor but still, he played with his dad until someone sat on it and broke it. So Johnny was a bit sad that his present was broken.

Nearly a year later it was almost Johnny's thirteenth birthday and his dad comes to him and asks what he wants for his birthday, and Johnny said "Well dad, I want a tractor, not just any tractor but a Porsche 911 limited edition super red convertible." and his dad says "Well Johnny I値l see what I can do." A week later it is Johnny's thirteenth birthday. Johnny walks down stairs and finds a tall thin package in the sitting room. So he opens it with his dad and he finds a basketball hoop and a basketball. He is a little disappointed that he did not get a tractor but still he invites some friends round and they play for a while. But it lands on an old nail and pops. So everyone goes home and Johnny is left feeling quite depressed.

Nearly a year later it is almost Johnny's fourteenth birthday and his dad comes to him and asks what he wants for his birthday, and Johnny said "Well dad, I want a tractor, not just any tractor but a Porsche 911 limited edition super red convertible." and his dad says "Well Johnny I値l see what I can do." A week later it is Johnny's fourteenth birthday and he gets up and flops down the stairs and finds a really small rectangular box, so he trundles over and opens it and finds a new mobile phone, and even though it was not at all what he wanted he thought it was really cool. And so, when he went to school he flashed it round and played ring tones on it to his mates. But in class he got it confiscated for playing with it.

Nearly a year later it is almost Johnny's fifteenth birthday and his dad comes to him and asks what he wants for his birthday, and Johnny said "Well dad, I want a tractor, not just any tractor but a Porsche 911 limited edition super red convertible." and his dad says "Well Johnny I値l see what I can do." A week later it is his fifteenth birthday and he slumps downstairs and sees a really small box on the kitchen table and he thinks that these could be the keys to a tractor. So he opens the box and finds a golden signet ring and was really quite disappointed but he took this to school with him and shows it to all his mates and comes home feeling really happy.

The next year before his sixteenth birthday his dad does not ask him what he wants for his birthday. So it is his sixteenth birthday and he drags himself downstairs and finds a really small box, hoping again that it is some keys, but it is another signet ring and Johnny is really really disappointed because he got one last year and now he thought his dad had forgotten about this and Johnny was really sad.

The next year it is Johnny's seventeenth birthday and around now he is allowed to drive. But again his dad doesn't ask him what he wants. So his birthday comes round and Johnny goes downstairs and doesn't find anything in the kitchen or the sitting room or even the garage. So he looks out the window and sees his dad leaning against the most humongous package in the drive way and Johnny rushes out and tears off all the wrapping paper, and guess what he finds...

...a tractor. Not just any tractor but a Porsche, 911 limited edition, super red, convertible. And Johnny looks at it in a disappointed way and his father sees and asks "What痴 wrong Johnny?" and he says "Well dad I don't want a tractor anymore, I wanted one of those new minis, like that one across the road." And Johnny's father looked really disappointed and said "Oh. Well here is a ten dollars, go down to the shop and get yourself something." So Johnny goes down and buys a beer and a news paper and starts walking back. Now on the way back he sees a burning building. So he drops the beer and runs up to the house with the newspaper rolled up in his hand. And just as the fire engines arrive he sticks the newspaper through the letter box and breaths in. Suddenly all the smoke and fire is gone, and the chief fire fighter comes up to him and says "Wow that is amazing, how did you do that?!?" and Johnny goes "Well you see I知 an EX-TRACTOR FAN"

See told you it was long!!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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During the 'rush hour' at Houston's Hobby Airport...

... a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third gate had been designated for them.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, 'We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.'

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. 'Sorry,' he said, wrong plane.'

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A pastor of his church he had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard...

... and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.  The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'

She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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More Darwin Award nominations...

Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

Nominee No. 3: [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 4: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 5: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Nominee No. 6: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles.

The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck??? (Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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