I placed the following phone call to the bank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank:" Do I think God... excuse me, what did you say?"

Me: "Do you understand what I was telling you... specifically the part about her being... dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew, but feel free to contact her lawyer at: XXX"

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure."

( Later, After they have gotten the fax. )

Bank: "Our system just isn't set up to handle this..."

Me: "Oh..."

Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Me: "Fredrickson Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 19 and plot number 233."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "Yes sir, that's what we do with our departed loved ones."

It's time again for the annual Stella Awards! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself, and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

5th Place

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the

garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count them, EIGHT days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more.

4th Place

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the

butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence in to the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

3rd Place

A jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor, Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

2nd Place

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a nightclub in a nearby

city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies' room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the nightclub had to pay her $12,000, oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

1st Place (May we have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos, please.)

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.

On her first trip home, from a football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the free way, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down,

$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peters legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Toupee overboard - One unlucky pensioner enjoying a cruise found his toupee overboard after a strong gust of wind lifted it off his head and blew it in to the sea. His travel insurance reimbursed him for the cost of his hairpiece.

Don't get stung - A careless holidaymaker paid a painful price when he dropped his wallet down a drain in Natanya. The Briton's claim wasn't for his cash or credit cards though, it was for hospital treatment after he had bravely reached down the drain to rescue his wallet, and was subsequently stung by poisonous scorpion. Luckily his travel insurance covered the cost of the treatment.

The unhappy campers - An unfortunate family had a shock when they were on a camping trip in a remote field in Wales, following a parachutist from a nearby airbase missing his target and landing on their camping equipment, destroying it. The family weren’t covered for accidental damage, so unfortunately their insurer did not reimburse them.

Swimming smile - Whilst on a cruise, one sickly pensioner lost his false teeth over the side of the ship when throwing up into the choppy seas of the Bay of Biscay. The misplaced dentures were thankfully covered in his travel insurance policy under lost baggage, so his claim was paid.

Holy smoke - A British couple's idyllic wedding soon took a turn for the worse when the brides dress was caught alight by a brick of coal that fell from the BBQ. The smart-thinking groom quickly picked up his new blazing bride, ran down the beach and threw her into the ocean. Fortunately the couple had taken out wedding cover before tying the knot, so they could claim on their travel insurance policy for their ruined wedding outfits.

Bad hair day - Whilst on holiday in Spain, a resourceful father had to rush his distressed daughter to the local hairdresser after she frazzled her hair on the oven in their apartment. The results were far from satisfying, leaving the poor girl running from the salon in tears. Her Dad did try and claim on their travel insurance, but unfortunately was not reimbursed as they weren’t covered for accidental damage.

Bikini distraction - A man on holiday in Greece broke his nose by walking into a glass-panelled bus shelter, after getting distracted by two Greek goddesses in bikinis. His travel claim for hospital bills was successful.

Life’s a beach - Frustrated parents were shocked to find that their playing children had buried their £600 camcorder in the sand on a beach in Cornwall. Thankfully the insurer saw the funny side and refunded the cost.

Lotions and potions - The search was on for a wrinkle-free burglar in France after a woman had her cosmetics bag stolen, then later admitted she had transferred medical-strength hemorrhoid cream in to an empty moisturiser tub. Her claim for make-up, lotions and perfume was paid.

Subject: Perpetual Motion

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

......... and then this mail got this reply from one of the readers

I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:

p = s * t(t)/t(c)

where p is the probability of carpet impact s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero.

t(c) and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet.

Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research. Therefore it is in the interests, not only of public safety but also public sanity, if the buttered-toast-on-cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.

But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: "These two are going to rob me." Her next thought was: "Don't be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen." But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men.

She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!!

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. "My God," she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! "Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.

The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip.

It was ob vious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself." She was too humiliated to speak She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

The card said:

"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed;

Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan