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The Minnesotan's Guide to Computer Technology
  • Log on: makin' da vood stove hotter
  • Log off: don't add no more vood
  • Monitor: keep an eye on da vood stove
  • Megahertz: vhen da big log drops on yer bare foot in da mornin'
  • Floppy disk: vhat you get from pilin' too much vood
  • Ram: da round metal thing dat makes da voodsplitter work
  • Hard drive: getting' home durin' most of da vinter
  • Prompt: vhat you vish da mail vas durin' da snow season
  • Enter: ya hey der, come on in
  • Windows: vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 degrees below zero
  • Screen: vhat is a must durin' da mosquito season
  • Chip: vhat ya munch durin' da vikings games
  • Microchip: vhat's left in da bag vhen da chips is gone
  • Modem: vhat ya did to da hay fields last yuly
  • Dot matrix: da wife of sven matrix
  • Laptop: vhere da grandkids sit
  • Keyboard: vhere ya suppose ta put da keys, so da missus can find 'em
  • Software: da plastic utensils, ya?
  • Mouse: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard
  • Mainframe: da part of da sauna vhat holds up da roof
  • Port: vhere da bug fishin' boats dock
  • Random access memory: Vhen ya can't remember how much vas da new deer rifle vhen da vife asks about it...

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
  

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Signs the 90s got to you . . .
  • You try to enter your password on the microwave.
  • You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
  • You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
  • You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
  • You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
  • Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
  • You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
  • When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
  • When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
  • You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
  • Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
  • You have your resume on a diskette.
  • Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
  • Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
  • Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
  • Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
  • It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
  • You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
  • You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
  • Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
  • You're already late on the assignment you just got.
  • There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
  • Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
  • Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.
  • Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
  • The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desktop.

And the clincher is:

  • You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md. 
 

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An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner.

The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says: You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day.

Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies: Well, then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed. Stunned, the man leaves.

Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time.

Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: "What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!"

After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: "Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!"

Morals of the story:

  1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
  2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
  3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire.

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.
  

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Twelve Step Internet Recovery Program
  • I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
  • I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
  • I will get dressed before noon.
  • I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
  • I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
  • I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
  • I will read a book...if I still remember how.
  • I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
  • I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
  • I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
  • I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
  • Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

Submitted by Jim, Emmitsburg, Md.
  

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Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory . . .

. . . being sized up by God. "Well, Bill. I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case I'm going to let you decide where you want to go".

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision".

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you". Bill said, "OK, then let's try Hell first".

So, Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful clean sandy beach with Clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.

Bill was very pleased.

"This is great"! he told God.

"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine", said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.

"Fine" retorted God, "as you desire".

So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later God decided to check up on the late billionaire to See how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and then beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".

Submitted by Ann Marie, Cochrinville, Pa.
  

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Remember all the warnings this year that this was the real year of Y2K?

It was the week after Christmas and all through the house,
Not one pc was working not even a mouse.
I turned on the power but nothing was working,
I grab the computer and start banging and jerking.

I laid out three grand for this big piece of junk,
On January 1st the damn thing went "kerplunk"!
When I threw it out the window it made such a clatter,
My neighbor just called to see what's the matter.

I turned on the TV the cable is down,
My microwave oven is making weird sounds.
My new VCR is as dead as a rock,
Not one light is blinking not even the clock.

It's twenty below the peak of snow season,
The furnace won't work the pipes are all freezing,
This couldn't have happened at a worse time,
I think I have frostbite on my behind.

I laughed for a second and thought it all funny,
Then a call from my bank in regards to my money.
"We managed your pension and savings with care,
But for some odd reason your money's not there
.

I drop the receiver to the bathroom I rush,
I push down the handle the toilet won't flush.
I turned on the faucet not one drop hits the sink,
I head out the door to the pub for a drink.

I jump in the car turn the key in the switch,
It only goes "click" I scream, "son of a bitch!"
A computerized ignition has just sealed my fate,
Not set up for the "2000" date.

I twitch like a madman this cannot be true,
No car, heat, or money what the hell can I do.
Shouting obscenities as I ran out of sight,
Happy y2k to all it's been one hell of a night!

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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15 years Ago.............
  • A program was..... a television show
  • An application was.... for employment
  • Windows were..... something you hated to clean
  • A cursor.... used profanity
  • A keyboard was.... a piano
  • Memory was.... something you lost with age
  • A CD was... a bank account (Certificate of Dep.)
  • Compress was something you did to garbage
  • A hard drive was a long trip on the road
  • Log on was adding wood to a fire
  • A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
  • Cut you did with scissors
  • Paste you did with glue
  • A web was a spider's home
  • And a virus was the flu!!!

Times Sure Have Changed!

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.
 

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Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for ĎTermination without Cause.í 

T - Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?
C - Yes, well, Iím having trouble with WordPerfect.
T - What sort of trouble?
C - Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
T - Went away?
C - They disappeared.
T - Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
C - Nothing.
T - Nothing?
C - Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.
T - Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
C - How do I tell?
T - Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
C - Whatís a sea-prompt?
T - Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?
C - There isnít any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type.
T - Does your monitor have a power indicator?
C - Whatís a monitor
T - Itís the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on?
C - I donít know.
T - Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. C - Can you see that?
C - Yes, I think so.
T - Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall.
C - Yes, it is.
T - When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
C - No.
T - Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
C - Okay, here it is.
T - Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer.
C - I cant reach.
T - Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
C - No.
T - Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
C - Oh, its not because I donít have the right angle - its because its dark.
T - Dark?
C - Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
T - Well, turn on the office light then.
C - I cant.
T - No Why not?
C - Because thereís a power failure.
T - A power... A power failure Aha, Okay, weíve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
C - Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
T - Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
C - Really Is it that bad?
T - Yes, I'm afraid it is.
C - Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
T - Tell them youíre too stupid to own a computer.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
 

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Windows 98 Jersey Edition

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 98 NEW JERSEY EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside New Jersey. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The New Jersey edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDAS 98, with a background picture of a Parkway toll plaza. It is shipped with a Sopranos screen saver.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Bayonne"
My Computer is called "my friggin' computer"
Dial up Networking is called "The bar"
Control Panel is known as the "The bosses"
Hard Drive is referred to as "287 Rush Hour"
Instead of an error message a "You're not gonna friggin' believe this" pops up.

Changes in Terminology in New Jersey Edition:

OK ....................... Sure ting
Cancel ................... Sh#t
Reset .................... Start Ova
Yes ...................... Yeah
No ....................... Nah
Find ..................... Put a contract out on
Go to .................... Go to Exit
Back ..................... U turn
Help ..................... (Help is not available, that would admit a weakness)
Stop ..................... Friggin' stop
Start .................... C'mon
Settings ................. Rules

Also note that any voice recognition software run on the NEW JERSEY EDITION platform does not recognize the letter "r."

Some programs that are exclusive to WINDAS 98:

Typa ................... A word processing program
Calculata .............. Calculator
Dunkin Donuts Napkin ... Notepad
Porn Hunt .............. Microsoft Explorer 4.0
My Porn ................ A graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the New Jersey EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this solves your Damn problem!
 

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Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system. Beware of . . . 
  • THE CLINTON Virus... (Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
  • THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
  • THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
  • THE RONALD REAGAN virus... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
  • THE MIKE TYSON virus... (Quits after two bytes)
  • THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200MB)
  • THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)
  • THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)
  • THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
  • THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)
  • THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
  • THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Submitted by Curtis, Burlington, Vt.  

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