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Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system. Beware of . . . 
  • THE CLINTON Virus... (Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
  • THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
  • THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
  • THE RONALD REAGAN virus... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
  • THE MIKE TYSON virus... (Quits after two bytes)
  • THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200MB)
  • THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)
  • THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)
  • THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
  • THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)
  • THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
  • THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Submitted by Curtis, Burlington, Vt.

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Dr. Seuss explains why computers crash

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is Interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless and your systems gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on the mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, till your icons in the windows are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet the suckers gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, And the macrocode instructions cause unnecessary risk, Then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Submitted by Dolly, Myersville, Md.

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You have just received the Amish virus

Because we don't have any computers or programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation.

The Amish Computer Engineering Department

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.

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Dear Abby

I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Army, and I have a second cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi hate literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known street walkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them.

In your opinion, Abby: Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know about my second cousin who works for Microsoft?



Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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An End User rings Customer Support to report that his computer is faulty.

Customer Support: "What is the problem?"

End User: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply."

Customer Support: "You will need a new power supply."

End User: "No I don't! I just need to change the startup files!"

Customer Support: "The power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it."

End User: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command."

10 minutes later, the End User is still adamant that they are right. The Customer Support Engineer is frustrated. . . .

Customer Support: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem."

End User: "I knew it!"

Customer Support: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes."

10 minutes later.

End User: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking."

Customer Support: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?"

End User: "MS-DOS 6.22."

Customer Support: "That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE.COM. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes."

1 hour later.

End User: "I need a new power supply."

Customer Support: "How did you come to that conclusion?"

End User: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply."

Customer Support: "Then what did he say?"

End User: "He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.COM."

Submitted by Dave, Dallas, Tx.

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A real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees . . .

. . . Seriously... This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Subject: "Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.

Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each technician have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer . . .

. .. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.

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The Raven - For Computers

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.

But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.

Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Submitted by Crystal, Mt Airy, Md.

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In case you think you are technologically challenged . . .
  • Compaq is considering changing the instruction " Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
  • AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packed in.
  • Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
  • A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to FAX anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to FAX a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor's screen and pressing the "Send" key.
  • A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find the printer." The user had also turned the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't see the printer.
  • An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in she responded, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computer's mouse.
  • True story from a Novell NetWire System Operator ... Caller: "Hello is this tech support?" Tech: "Yes it is. How may I help you? " Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed? "Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder? "Caller:" Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer. "Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, or at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trade mark on it? "Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it. "(At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he was laughing too hard). The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM as a cup holder.
  • Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, I and had some problems with the disk. When it said put in the third disk-I couldn't even fit it in. The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant remove Disk 1 first.

Submitted by Crystal, Mt Airy, Md.

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A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland . . . 

. . . They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement, Change Management, Re-Engineering and Service Integration, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

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We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons" . . .

. . . where :) means a smile and :( is a frown.   Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons"?

Here goes:

  • (_!_) a regular ass
  • (__!__) a fat ass
  • (!) a tight ass
  • (_*_) a sore ass
  • {_!_} a swishy ass
  • (_o_) an ass that's been around
  • (_x_) kiss my ass
  • (_X_) leave my ass alone
  • (_zzz_) a tired ass
  • (_o^^o_) a wise ass
  • (_E=mc2_) a smart ass
  • (_$_) Money coming out of his ass
  • (_?_) Dumb Ass

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