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See if you can translate the following into the familiar sayings we've all heard?
  1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.
  2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
  3. Surveillance should precede salutations
  4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity
  5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.
  6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
  7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.
  8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
  9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion.
  10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 212 F'.
  11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
  12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.


  1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
  2. Birds of a feather, flock together.
  3. Think before you speak.
  4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
  5. Don't cry over spilled milk.
  6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
  7. The pen is mightier than the sword.
  8. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
  9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.
  10. A watched pot doesn't boil.
  11. All that glitters is not gold.
  12. Where there's smoke, there's fire.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Charlie's wife, Debbie, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Debbie was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Debbie wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Debbie tried to lighten the
embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've
seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed." 

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK.

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Sixteen Steps to Build a Campfire

  1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

  2. Bandage left thumb.

  3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

  4. Bandage left foot.

  5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).

  6. Light Match.

  7. Light Match.

  8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

  9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.

  10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

  11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

  12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."

  13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

  14. Re-label can to read "gasoline."

  15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

  16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps 1-15.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Comments taken from police car videos around the country...
  • "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
  • "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
  • "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
  • "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
  • "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
  • "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
  • "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
  • "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again, or I'll give you another ticket."
  • "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
  • "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
  • "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
  • "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
  • "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
  • "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
  • "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
  • "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, England.

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An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist...

... Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.

The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"

Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"

Submitted by Jim, Germantown, Md.

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Nine Ways Not To Start Your Police Report:
  1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...
  2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ...
  3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire ...
  4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout- outs" for my homeys in the command staff ...
  5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ...
  6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.
  7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly...
  8. The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ...
  9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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A school teacher was quizzing her students.

"Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

He said, "Darn if I know."

She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe.

She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

"Well, heck, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."

The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that darn thing, heck, you darn well better admit it!"

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Things your Mother would NEVER say...
  • Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
  • Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
  • That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
  • Why don't you hitch-hike? It would totally be cheaper.
  • The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
  • Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
  • Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
  • Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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During a practical exercise at a military police base...

..., the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"

The student replied, "BIG ones."

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Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night...

... intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.

He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.

Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"

"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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An airplane is coming to land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility...

... is practically nil, the radar system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.

"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."

The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway.

"Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too...

Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.

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One morning as Professor Thompson was leaving for the college..

... his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty."

Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?"

He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Can you tell me which way it went?"

She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl

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Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale...

..., but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Submitted by Kathy, Sheffield, Vt.

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In a physics course, which involved light, electricity and magnetism...

..., the students were required to read the week's experiment before coming to class...

At one lab session the student assistant wanted to see how many of his pupils had actually done so.

"What are the two types of light?" he asked.

The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Actually there are three: Bud, Coors and Miller!"

Submitted by John, Waynesboro, Pa.

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There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.

One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.

On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So, he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, Thank God, " and the horse starts trotting.

Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God" and the horse just literally takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "AMEN!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.

The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".

Submitted by Dean, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Signs you're watching too much TV
  • The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would Dawson Do?"
  • In the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline.
  • You need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out.
  • In the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and catching the latest informercial.
  • If you're a witness to an argument, you instinctually shout, "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"
  • You try to impress the opposite sex by saying, "Hey, I get 120 channels!"
  • Your entire CD collection consists of "Greatest Hits" albums by the decade.
  • You have a gold-plated "clicker."
  • Your intellectual discussions all stem from The Discovery Channel.
  • After 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break

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A recently retired Nebraska farmer went to Dallas for the first vacation..

... he had taken in his entire working life. He checked into a downtown hotel, but when he got to his room he immediately called the front desk.

The farmer said, "This here bed kin sleep the whole Cornhuskers football team! I only wanted a regular-sized bed."

The clerk responded, "That is a regular size bed, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"

The farmer went to the hotel's bar and ordered a draught beer. When he was served, he said to the bartender, "This is as big as a milkin' pitcher. I only asked for a glass of beer!"

The bartender answered, "That is a glass of beer, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"

When the waiter in the hotel's dining room brought out the steak the farmer ordered for dinner, the farmer exclaimed, "That steak's as big as my thigh, the baked potato's bigger 'n a watermelon, and this corn-on-a-cob's as big as a baseball bat! Where'd this come from?"

The waiter replied, "It's all local, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"

When the waiter asked the farmer if he wanted to see the dessert menu, the farmer said he might be able to squeeze something in, but after consuming all that food and drink he needed to use the restroom first.

The waiter directed him to go down the hall to the first door on the right.

By this time, the farmer was quite inebriated and mistakenly went through the first door on the left. He walked across the tiled floor and fell into the swimming pool. When the farmer came sputtering to the surface, he yelled out, "For gawd's sakes, please don't flush!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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One evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot.

So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.

All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife, had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling to owls," the wife commented.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

Then it dawned on them...

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A letter form a son at school to his father ...

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your $on.

A week later....the response from Dad arrived:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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My mother asked, "How do those car phones work when the sun goes down?"

I told her, "It's cellular, not solar."

"May I go swimming, Mommy?"

"No, you may not. There are sharks here."

"But Daddy's swimming."

"He's insured."

While getting dressed one morning, I decided I'd been spending too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. As a plumber, I'm delighted to see all these teenagers wearing low-rider jeans.

How long will it be until American universities learn that in most fields, their diplomas are now quite literally not worth the paper they are written on?

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Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest

... my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get of owning the company."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day...

... and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"

No more problem.

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